Technology Smechnology

It's official... I am technologically inept.  I watch the commercials of the new toys for toddlers that include the interaction with your IPhone and think back to when I had toddlers.  I didn't have an IPhone.  I didn't even have a cell phone back then and that was only twenty two years ago.  I just don't understand this age of communicating via Tweet, Texting and I'Ming and often think what life would be like without it.  Would we have the unemployment rate that we do now?  Would there be confused kids, at thirty, unable to make a decision and stick to it because they were raised in the "Instant Gratification" age where we text when we drive to prevent missing a moment of life's happenings.  The funny thing is that we have those looks from our children, you know the one where they roll their eyes and huff, about how "stupid" their parents are, yet they don't realize that we should be looked at as pioneers.  We managed to have full lives without all the technology.  We took time to sit in a coffee shop and visit with our friends.  We wrote letters and received letters back.  We got upset when we didn't make it home in time to watch our favorite shows.  Anyone can sit and come up with a number of ways that life, as we knew it, has changed due to technology and it is not that different from the experience of the first television or microwave oven.  The act of directing someone as they adjust the "rabbit ears" in order to get the picture clearer is something that is lost to this generation.

I still believe that my life would be fine without a lot of the items that most can't live without but I am thankful of one thing and find that I am learning to appreciate technology in a way I never imagined.  I love Skype!  Yes, I said it!!  I love being able to see the face that I am talking to from far away and am so thankful that I can do it, but at what cost?  

I remember the futuristic image of Cosmo G. Spacely, with steam coming out of his ears, as he yelled at George Jetson from the screen of a TV. I thought of how amazingly advanced that was and figured I would never see that in my lifetime.  Now you can have a face to face conversation on your phone so where are the flying cars and robot servants?  Why do some of these items become reality while others remain in cartoonland?

I know now that it has changed me and I will never be able to go back.  In a time when we all need to connect to some part of life before lockdown, all sorts of new technology has erupted to provide the connections we desire so much.  I have found that as these advancements have been thrust out to the consumer, I have retreated even more and more in order to reconnect with myself before emails, facetime and texting.  I miss the act of writing a letter and sending it in the mail, only to receive a reply a few weeks later.  The joy of seeing a handwritten card in the mail is something many don't experience anymore.  People don't send thank you cards so you are left to wonder if they received your package.  We don't write letters anymore because we can just text, email, skype, zoom or chat with them.  It was designed to bring people together but at what cost?  We have resorted to creating shortcuts to general conversation like laughing out loud and talk to you later.  It is exhausting and leaves me with a hunger for the way we communicated before all this stuff.  I did see that they are bringing back the Flip Phone so maybe there is still hope for us!  We shall see......  

Serious Quester Questions!

When I started this blog, I thought I would have hours of time on my hands where I would have nothing to do.  I tried to fill my time with classes and projects but realized I was doing too much.  I became exhausted and realized that I was going to have to slow down and face my fears head on.  I likened it to that feeling when you walk in a room with purpose and then suddenly you forgot why you were there.  I look back now, after almost 8 years with no children under my roof, and I can't even remember what I thought it would feel like.  What was I thinking?  I am busier now than I have ever been and the only person I am responsible for is myself.  I can understand what the "experts" said about feeling lost, feeling like you don't have a purpose or feeling like you have nothing to do.  My issue is quite the opposite though in that I have a long list of things I want to do but I can't decide where to start.  I am overwhelmed with opportunity and the desire to start fresh.  I am drowning in things that just collect dust but I am finding it difficult to do anything about it.  This is what I was not prepared for.  This is my new struggle and I can now say that "Empty Nesting" is no joke.  It is different for everyone but I can share what I have learned so far.

To start, all those things you saved for your children, the trinkets and mementos of their school years, the jewelry box with their names or stuffed animal they wouldn't go to sleep without.....these are just things.  I tried so hard to keep things I thought they would want but when my girls were presented with their boxes, there was only one or two things that made them chuckle.  I have learned that the things a parent feels are important to keep are not the things your children would have chosen.  Get rid of them!  Sit down with your kids and force them to go through the boxes and have them be the decision makers on items you have more attachment to than they do.  Your memories of these items are for  you and have nothing to do with how they see them.  Pick one or two things and then have them make the decision on the rest.

However many boxes you have, take them out once in awhile and go through them.  Pick out the things you still are unsure about and want to still keep, put them in a new box and then talk to your kids about the rest.  These days it is easy to send a picture of a note from a teacher or crush, an item they loved etc.  They can then tell you to get rid of it.  Surprisingly, they will not have the same reaction you do to said item.  This process condenses maybe three boxes down to one.  Purging is good for everyone but there is another benefit of this process.  As your kids get older, they realize that some things they were afraid to tell you when they were younger, just don't hold that much importance anymore.  You can use this process to share funny stories of how they were as kids.   They may have snuck out and you never knew it.  They might have been bullied or been in love but you didn't notice.  It is important for you and them to be quiet and let them share these stories without judgement and frustration.  You may get a great laugh out of them and I find, as I am sharing little details with my youngest, that their version of what happened is totally different.  I notice that my girls were way smarter than I gave them credit for.  The things they remember are funny, heartbreaking and completely different than my version of events.  This, of course, doesn't mean that either one of you is wrong, it just shows the diversity of how things are viewed and each person's story is unique to themselves.  

I saved school notes, homework, graded tests and projects they brought home.  My mom did the same thing and I didn't realize that they wouldn't want those things.  The things they thought were funny were the hilarious notes where they were mad at us or each other and they made statements like "I am never talking to you again" or "if I find my shirt on your floor one more time I am going to kill you!".  These are things that bring me joy when I can share them and have a good laugh over them.  I realize that there is value in saving some of these things and it is a process that one must go through.  It doesn't mean you have to keep everything because, let's be honest here, not many people live in the same house they raised their kids in still.  Garages see like a thing of the past and children move often, throwing their things out that don't fit in their car as they can just get new ones to replace them.  Times have changed but that doesn't mean you have to stop saving little things.  Pick and choose what is important to you and let the rest go.  It is liberating!  It is necessary!  It is a process of Empty Nesting.  

The Validation Stage

Having been raised by narcissist parents, I admit I have some tendencies but who among us doesn't have a little selfishness in them.  My sister and I were the obligatory children.  The validation of a solid relationship.  The confirmation that there was sex at least twice.  In reality, I was planned so that my older sister would not be as spoiled; a plan that hopelessly backfired, leaving me to fend for myself and rebel against the idealization that was thrust on me to be "the little sister" toy.  I find myself grasping for memories that I have somehow blocked out in order to explain why I am the way I am.  I can say it is a daunting task and often I give up out of frustration.  See, I am dealing with an aging parent that has a twisted sense of reality resulting in warped memories.  At the same time, she insists that she never forgets ANYTHING and she knows what she knows.  She will gaslight anyone that argues with her and I walk away from a conversation with the feeling of remorse and frustration that MY interpretation was not correct in any way but, instead, I was made to feel as if I was the bad guy and making stuff up.   

I admit that I don't have the best memory and sometimes will say things I don't really mean.  I am adamant about not being told I am a certain way, or being labeled in any any way, and I become defensive when one says they know me without working for it.  I forget easily but am always the first to admit I was wrong when I was.  I don't have many memories as I have blocked much of them out.  Why does one block things out from their memory?  Because they are generally BAD THINGS.  The brain chooses to protect you from those parts of your past and keeps you safe with all the good memories of your life.  The confirmation of one's life is typically collected in albums full of family photos.  Parents will hold them hostage sometimes, only to bring them out in order to embarrass their children.  The walls may be covered with an odd display of framed school pictures from age six to senior portraits.  There may be images of family vacations and funny expressions on faces as they are captured blowing out birthday candles or hugging a grandparent that visited.  Sadly, I grew up without any of those things.  Our walls had pictures of my parent's accomplishments and designs.  Albums were of production slides carefully labeled in chronological order and protected with acid free paper.  Our childhood was on slides that I do remember going through at least once a year.  We would get so excited when the Carousel boxes would appear and a white sheet would hang on the wall.  My sister and I would lay on the ground and quietly watch as the projector would hum.  I would sit sometimes close to the machine so that I could feel the warm air blowing from the side vents and loved the  dizzying sound the machine made as my father would select the next slide.  We were always camping and the slides were of times we traveled for my Dad's obsession.  He was a college professor but he fostered a love for historic theater buildings.  In his short life, he managed to create one of the largest collections of these buildings where his passion became a budding second career.  At the time of his death, he had created The Society of Historic American Theaters and his collection was put on permanent loan in Maryland.  He too had amassed a library of albums filled with slides of theater buildings, carefully labeled  in chronological order and protected with acid free paper.  

The slides of our childhood, the projector and all the carousels have disappeared.  They have been gone since I was a teenager and the mention of them upsets me to this day for so many reasons.

Validation.  I had a discussion with my aging mother-in-law the other night.  She has been going through things and clearing out papers.  She brings us letters she wrote when her son was a month old and wants to read to me the paragraph where she calls him the Young Master.  She shares funny anecdotes she cut out from articles and giggles about them.  It upsets her that my reaction is not the same as hers and I try to explain that people have different levels of humor.  I ask her why she wants so much to read me these things and her answer simply is that it validates her.  She goes on to say that she loved having dinner parties because it was the one time she would get credit for anything, and then she admits she too is narcissistic.  She admits to this as if it is such a normal thing to say.  It strikes me that there are so many different ways one can be selfish and self serving.  It may not be a bad thing, as she is genuinely sweet and giving.  It is such a different way to have lived and I learn that I need to adjust to allow for this process as one ages.

It makes sense to me that when one is nearing the end of their life, they will have all different types of emotions and maybe even some regrets.  Going through papers is part of this process as it reminds them of a life long gone.  There is a gap where their life slows down and their children's lives move so fast they can't keep up.  That is even more obvious when they have lived in a different part of the country and visits were limited to Sunday calls.  This desire, this need to have us know who they were before they were old reminds me of the instinct that birds have to migrate for the winter.  The way caterpillars become butterflies and salmon swim upstream.  It is a mixture of instinct, survival and adaptation that just naturally occurs in all living beings.  The struggle is real for the aging parent and at times, far more frustrating for the child.  They are not always accepting and we all know that they don't want to be told what to do.  We worry about them falling, driving or being taken advantage of.  We look at their homes for signs of slipping memories and safety infractions, all the while assessing how involved you will have to be and when to step in.  In essence it is a role reversal.  We have become the parents and they are now the child.  

Suddenly the light goes on and I realize that they worried about me falling.  The first time I drove by myself I had to call when I arrived at my destination.  They raised me to think on my feet and trust my gut.  Most everything I know, in one way or another, I learned from my parents and my remaining parent now needs me to help her.  I navigate this role with hesitance and clearly understand the complicated path I am on.  I am thankful for the small moments where we get along and don't argue.  I have even learned to deal with the times she is stubborn and sassy because she earned the right to be.  There is always that fear in the back of my head that she will get sick and we will do that dance with medical staff that I have become so familiar with.  For now, we will continue to do our best, as that is all we can do, while working on being more patient and letting her take the wheel for a change.  After all, they worked hard to get to this stage in their lives and it should be validated!

I know it's not my birthday.....

I know, I know....it isn't my birthday yet but this morning is just a perfect example of why this is going to be such an interesting year.  Brief synopsis of my situation to start out and NO it is not a sob story!

I am going to be 43 on June 25th.  I had been married for 17 years to a great guy that made a great dad.  (Happy Father's day by the way....I should text him but that is a whole other issue to write about...)  We split in 2007 and dealt with trying to raise two daughters through their high school years.  It was not the best time in my life but I somehow muddled through it.  Now, after some major bumpy roads, I think we have all finally leveled out and working on moving on with our lives.  What I didn't count on was to be so confused about who I was.  After the craziness of divorce, having to split up possessions and sort through 17 years of memories so that we each were left with some, you would think I would have some idea of why I chose this path.  I didn't and can say I still don't.

 I now have a new love in my life and he is wonderful but he can't understand why I have that nagging feeling like I am supposed to be doing something.  Does that feeling ever go away?  I sure hope so.....I remember the nights I would be so tired but I would not be able to fall asleep until both my girls were safe at home.  Well my youngest daughter, Heidi, has moved out recently and my older daughter, Monica, has been out of the house for two years.  When Monica moved out I had Heidi at home still but she was a free spirit and very social.  She always called me to tell me where she was going and when she would get home until she turned 18.  I admit that I still keep my phone by the bed but I am able to push all the bad thoughts from my head and sleep soundly now.

That being said I woke up this morning and think I must have really slept hard.  As I stumbled to the coffee pot I noticed Heidi's old door ajar.  As I peek in to the room, there is Heidi fast asleep on the futon with the fan blowing straight on her. I didn't hear her come in at all! She has a bed in her own room....in her own apartment!  Why is she here?  I don't wake her because anyone that knows my Heidi, knows that you should not wake the sleeping monster!  She is definitely not a morning person so I will be patient and wait to hear the next amazing adventure in the life of Heidi.  My guess is that she was working and didn't want to go home to some party.  I think when our kids move out, though they are telling you how confident they are and how excited they seem, once the magic wears off they miss the comforts of home.  I mean who wouldn't ever want to leave if mom takes care of you.  I think of the men that still live with their Moms at 50 and feel saddened for them.  While I know it is not my place to judge I do feel very strongly about the way we raise future adults.  Maybe that is what is wrong with this world and the instant gratification society... we are all just our parent's children and it can get blamed on them, like everything else we do wrong.....blame our parents!

 She did tell me the other day that she is realizing that a whole new roll of toilet paper just doesn't magically appear unless you go out and buy it.  At least it is a step in the right direction..... we shall see what drama entails once the sleepy monster has risen..... stay tuned!!!

Grief and a Stone Cold Heart

Grief is an amazing process and one that is not to be taken lightly.  We have all experienced it, in one form or another, and each person has their own coping skills, but it is an individual experience that cannot be compared.  Often times people have comments on grief where they try to find the silver lining in order to console the one grieving.  That may be useful to some but it most often is met with disdain and the feeling of being unsupported.  Nobody knows how they are going to react and lets be honest, who really wants to know this?!

My experience with grief has taken me on, what I can only describe as, a roller coaster ride.  I lost someone so very dear to me last year that I didn't think I could go on.  I wanted to die myself.  How would I continue to be able to wake up when he was asleep forever?  How did it happen that he is no longer here and what do I do now?  I found that I loved him more deeply that even I knew and the loss of him was enough to literally make my heart hurt.  Deep, resounding and profound pain in the core of my body that resulted in just not caring about anything.  I didn't care if I ate or slept.  I couldn't sleep.  I was numb and when I was like that, it really didn't matter what anyone said to me.  After a few months, with a very understanding and patient partner, I began to enter into the living world again.  I could sit in the sun on the patio and not cry for a good twenty minutes.  I was able to listen to music with joy and remember him fondly, with a smile on my face and light in my heart.

What surprised me about grief is that it is not meant to be understood or explained.  It is meant to be respected and when you are allowed to do so, at your own pace and without judgement, you can see the dim light at the end of the excruciatingly long tunnel.  To be surrounded by love, light and gently guided, reminded, of the living world at a pace that works for you, allows you to move in to the next stage of acceptance without regret.  Without feeling that you somehow disappointed the family, the loved ones, by not grieving enough.

The other thing I found to happen was I was able to see very clearly what my role was in the lives of others around me.  My friends that I thought would understand, didn't.  The friends I had not seen in a long time, were supportive by just touching base as they knew what he meant to me.  It tears people apart and it brings people back together.  My grief was mine and only mine.  I wrapped it around me like a security blanket and used it when I needed to cry.  The purpose of grief is to process the things that you hold dear in your heart and mind so that you can retain what you need and take the time to get used to the idea that what you are grieving, is no longer there.  It can manifest in all sorts of ways and each type is unique.  Whether it be the loss of a child, a parent, a relationship, a pet or just that really great sweater you meticulously kept since you were a child.  The point is that grief is an individual experience and there is no guide book.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no time limit and there is no cap to how you will feel.  What you need to remember is that it will get better.  It has to. 

The thing that got me through the last 3 years is the amazing support of my husband, the man that allowed me to grieve another man.  I was allowed to feel, at any time, what that song brought on, the pages in my diary that my mom brought over in a box and details the moment I met him, the silly stories and the unplanned breakdowns.  I was given grief as a gift of love and I was able to move through it and come out on the other end with newfound admiration of the people that shared it with me. 

Don't be sad it is over, be glad it happened!  Give it patience and it will treat you with love!

It has been quite some time since I have posted.....I have spent months thinking I needed to post something but instead I have been busy observing life from the perspective of a parent of adult children.  The hardest thing to do is to let your kids go out on their own.  I have had direct experience with many mistakes that parents and children make during this process.  My challenge has been to try to stay objective and learn as I go, as there is not often a guidebook for this stage in the life of a parent.  I have found that many things happen without our knowledge and, while it can be the most heartbreaking adventure, there are many things that can be done to avoid that feeling of abandonment and overall feeling of losing control.  

First of all let me remind everyone that there is no stopping the clock.  I always told my girls that my "job", as their parent, was to be responsible for forming functional adults in society.  I took that job very seriously and often used that excuse as the answer for their argument of why I was so mean.  I am not a mean person, instead I believe I am a reasonable parent that takes the time to hear my girls' argument while still maintaining my balance of right and wrong.  My right and their wrong.  After all I am the adult and have lived longer than they have.  I have some experience to back up the decisions I am making on their behalf.  I know what to expect and hope to help them avoid the same bad choices I may have made.  That being said, the fact still remains that, when they turn 18, they believe they know more than us.  This happens to every teenager at one point or another.  

What happens to our youth between the ages of 10 and 18?  When does that change, where they transition from idolizing their parents to avoiding them at all costs take place?  What can we do to avoid that and is there a way to turn back the clock so they will listen to you post 18?  I think about the kids who grow up and get the grades, apply for scholarships and go to college because their parent tell them that that is what they are going to do.  Are these the children that have mid life crisis when they turn 40 and wonder where their lives went?  Is there a way to achieve the balance of doing the expected and still finding their own path?  I see some kids who have had a great scholastic career and managed to respect their parents, work towards a college degree and still form their own paths.  So what is the difference?  

I like to believe it is in the parenting and that allowing your children to make some mistakes is a good way of teaching them how to deal with the ups and downs of real life.  How else are they to learn unless parents give them the freedom to make mistakes and forge their own paths.  

It is now years later since I started this post and life is so different than I expected.  My oldest daughter is married, a prominent artist in Baltimore and making a living doing tattoos after graduating with a Digital Art degree from MICA.  My youngest is living in Oregon, just finishing up her degree in Massage Therapy and tends to her garden in her new house.  They are good.  They are settled.  They are happy.  I have done my job.  I can say I have no regrets but I am not sure that is a statement that any parent can say with conviction.  Yes, I have regrets.  I wish that I had spent more time with them.  I wish I had saved more money.  I wish that I had the luxury of a teenage wardrobe closet at my disposal again but that is not reality.  I am 50 now, married again and looking at my options for the next 20 years.  What next?  I have kids on opposite sides of the country and so little time to visit.  I want. I want. I want.  

My age gives me a ticket to be selfish and feel that I accomplished something with my life.  Most people can say they partied in their twenties, college dorm stories and beer pong parties but I raised kids.  The opportunities are endless and I can be anything I want to be now....after all, I put two people on this planet and they are still alive.  I can do anything now.  

You ever have that kind of morning......

All I can say is I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Everything in my life is good....well as good as can be expected for now. With the economy being a bummer, having a job that makes you happy is not so much of a priority anymore...having a job IS! I am happy to have one and it is a good job. I am able to come and go as I please, take time off without the guilt trip and I work really well on my own but it is just not cutting it for me. I have been going to school for three years now, aimlessly taking classes in the hope that I will stumble on something I really like, but it just seems to be an endless array of classes that add up to nothin. Well almost nothin.... I do have 30 credits out of 60 needed for any associates degree. I think the issue I have is this day and age it is too hard to just have one thing. I have this desire to pack in as much information as I can get in the hopes that, should I ever need it, I will be able to recall what I have learned and use it.

I don't know where I got this odd point of view but I am sure it came from my parents. They both had a very defined specialty that ended up also defining their lives. I don't know if that is the route I want to go. I am kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl and feel that being restricted to one skill is like a death sentance. The question is how do you maintain a normal life while trying to hone ten skills at once? The answer.....INSANITY!

That is it. I am insane! I can't settle to one thing, I am always wanting to do something new, I do get bored easily but you would never know it and I try too hard. The result of this is that I am difficult to deal with and feel sometimes that it isolates me from the rest of the world. How do you change that? How do people, ones that recognize there is a flaw in their personality that greatly affects their lives, make a life changing adjustment to reality? That is the big question.

A very good friend once said to me "you have to take action and then commit to those actions. Bad habits are easy to break but hard to live with while good habits are hard to make and easy to live with." He is a genius....and he also has had a very specific skill since he was young and has slowly, through hard work and fortitude, built his way to the top in a job he loves and a life he thrives in. Go figure!

Side note:  Visiting this after a long hiatus and reviewing posts that I did not actually publish....this being one of them.  The friend mentioned above has since passed in a tragic way.  Too young, very missed and yet I am comforted by his words coming to me in this post.  He was wise and so very loved.  His name was Scott and he was amazing.  He lived every day as if there was no tomorrow.  He had passion for his family, music, the little eccentricities of life and taught me more than I knew at the time.  He was one of a kind.  What I take from this is that you never know when your last day is.  Hug the ones you love.  Never go to bed angry and always make sure that you greet each day as if the sun shines just for you.  I now know that I have a beam of sunshine following me through life....fashioned from love and beaming just for me.

No Regrets!

Life has a way of taking over and suddenly years have gone by and you wonder where the time went.  I have been distracted, disinterested, determined and delayed for far too long.  It is time to put my big girl pants back on and get back in the game....whatever game that is.  I am not much of a sports person, and just by mentioning it I have those familiar feelings of being the last person chosen for the team.  No.....We don't want her.  She can't run.  She is lazy.  She will make us lose.  Ring a bell?  I hated sports but somehow I ended up to be one of those "team player" types.  I am in it for the better good of the group.  I will take one for the team and I definitely know where my loyalties stand.

Time has given me a new perspective and has allowed me to be able to look back at the last few years with an objective point of view.  It is the hardest thing to do when you are reviewing choices you have made in life and not wonder if you might have done something different, would your life be the same.  We often choose to say we have no regrets, I myself have used that term many times but the statement is conditional of my being a parent.  How can I say I have regrets when life has given me my children.  If I had made one move any differently, I might not have them so I say I have no regrets.  Bring the present into the mix, I now feel differently.

I regret not taking that time and just sitting on the couch watching brainless TV with my daughter when she asked.  I regret not being insistent on meeting the "parent" that so obviously was not present at the house that everyone hung out at.  I regret giving up and saying yes when it was the quieter option rather than duke it out with my insistent teenager who wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.

Are these regrets that would change the course of my life?  No.  I don't think so.  Would they have changed the course of my children's lives?  I want to say yes.  Absolutely yes but I am not sure.  No one is sure.  So what are we left with then???  The unalienable right to make decisions based on what you feel is best for you, or your children, at the time that you are supposed to make them.  Whether they were the right choices, you may never know but we each are doing the best we can do.  I would give anything to have the smell of my babies back for a minute.  The feel of their hands as they reach for mine crossing a street.  The sound of their little voices as they tell me about their day.  It goes by so fast and then they are gone.

I should premise this discussion with the truth that I have recently started a support group for caregivers of loved ones that are mentally ill.  My husband has been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury and, having already dealt with depression most of his life, this newest turn of events has had an effect on all of us.  I was in a fog for at least a year, trying very hard to keep it all together while my life, and his, was slowly falling apart.  One thing I find that is common, having some insight after just a few meetings, is that parents and caregivers are one in the same.  I mean that they have similar symptoms in that they put others needs before their own.  I am guilty of this and I am learning now that I can't take care of him if I don't take care of myself.  It's not selfish to do something for yourself.  Simply put, it is a basic need, much like breathing or sleeping.  That being said, looking back at my choices as a parent, I now know that I can regret that time has passed and I let it.  I can regret that I allowed it to go so fast but I am also thankful that my regrets can fade with one phone call from my youngest.  One email from my oldest.  I may have made some questionable choices but they are fine.  They love me and still want me in their lives.  I must have done something right and for that............. I have no regrets.

#noregrets #emptynester #emptyquester #celebrate #life

  A short time ago, in a town called Mesa, there lived a woman.  She was of moderate looks, medium temperament and had an outstanding ability to adjust to the world around her.  Along came the time for her children to leave the nest and she struggled to find the path that truly called to her.  She had dreams of being self employed, surrounded by happy people and finding a life that truly embodied the values and beliefs she felt strongly about.  As she embarked on this journey she realized it was harder than it looked and life had a way of taking you places you never thought you would be.

  After many months of being side tracked - I have returned.  Boy did I get sidetracked!  When asked about my migraines recently, the discussion turned to stress levels and my response to their inquiry was that I lead a fairly stress free life.  I really do!  I didn't always though.  I look back at those times in my life, where your blood boils and you feel like you are going to explode, and I realize now that the things that stressed me out were so minor.  I was venting to the world for things in my life that I had control over.  I could control how I reacted to them and I am telling you now, from the other side of that tunnel, it is not worth the frustration of getting mad.  The outcome wouldn't have been any different if I had just decided to ride the wave.

  I have been unable to post for so many reasons, the main reason is that shortly after my November post, my boyfriend ended up in ICU with emergency brain surgery.  For months we had tried to get someone to take us seriously.  We had visited Urgent Care and were sent home with a sinus infection and small pharmacy of meds that made no difference.  We then visited the Emergency Room and were sent home with an ear infection and more meds that made no difference.  Our doctor finally recommended us to a Neurologist as he had unexplained debilitating headaches that were rendering him unable to work.  After an MRI, we found that the doctor had gone on vacation and, while she relaxed on a beach somewhere in Mexico, we were told to wait a week to get the results.  I, being the bitch that I am when I am told that someone I love is in pain and the rest of the world is blind to that, flipped that switch and demanded that they have a partner look at the results and I would expect to hear back from them by the end of the day.  It was amazing how easy it became to transition into that role and how I would stop at nothing to make sure we were heard.  That saying came to mind, you know the one that says you don't mess with a Momma Bear's cubs?!  It does not limit itself to just my cubs.  My life mate was in distress and I was pissed.  I was mad at the system that was put there to help you and it seemed like nobody cared that he was in pain.

  We were told, that afternoon I might add, that he had fluid in his brain and the lining was unusually thick but they felt it was best to wait.  Wait for what?  Until he passed out from the pain?  Until he couldn't walk?  Until he died?  They told me it was so that they could get him into Mayo Clinic so that we could get a second opinion.  For those of you that are not familiar with Arizona, this is the place that the elderly flock to in the winters to avoid the cold.  They plan this every year and, as a result, they make their doctor's appointments months in advance.  There was no way he was going to be seen at Mayo before 2020.  I started researching other doctors and ways that I might get into Mayo without having to go through that process.  I found a neurologist that had just signed on with Mayo but she had her own practice.  I figured this was a back door and I called them up.  At this point I was shameless and when the receptionist answered, I asked her if she had five minutes to hear me out.

  After I gave her my sob story, she put me on hold and went to speak with the doctor.  She returned after a few minutes and told me to bring him in on Saturday.  I broke down crying.  Two days.  In two days we would have some answers.  I was shocked that I had managed to get an appointment but I was more shocked that someone actually cared enough to get us in on a weekend, when they were usually closed.   I requested his records be forwarded to this doctor and they refused.  The original neurologist said that they were trying to get him in as soon as they could and felt it would not be in his best interest to start over.  I informed them that if they did not forward his records to whomever I wished, that I would physically come into their waiting room every day until they did.  His records made it to the new doctor within the hour.

  In the first few minutes of our visit with the new doctor, she asked us more questions than we had been asked in the three months we had been dealing with this.  Dr. Travis decided that she wanted us to go to the ER and have them do a recent CT scan as well as a spinal tap.  She was concerned about spinal fluid leaking and felt it was safer to be at the hospital to do it but when we arrived, as we were immediately escorted back because she had called ahead, the ER did some tests and found that it would be too dangerous to do the spinal tap.  We would see a Neurosurgeon in a week and go from there.

We arrived at the neurosurgeon and were prepared for the same treatment.  Our rock star doctor walked in and asked some questions. Dr. Yusupov had reviewed the original MRI, which was now almost three months old, and made his decision to operate the next day.  He sent us to the adjoining ER to get another CT scan and within minutes of getting the result, the room was full of nurses and doctors.  Clay had a 4.5 mm twist in his brain stem and the ER staff informed us that they don't usually see that in patients that are not already in a coma.  The doctor walked in and stated that someone was looking out for him and that he might have died if this was left untreated for even one more week.  Clay was transferred to ICU and had surgery the next day.  What followed was seven days of hell as the length of time that his brain was under pressure had caused some damage to his brain to the point where, once the pressure was released during surgery, he did not wake up for two days.  He was in a coma and there was no guarantee how he would be when, or if, he woke up.

I cannot tell you how amazing the process is to watch someone start in a coma and leave the hospital eight days later with no other evidence but a wrist band, two great scars and a huge bill.  It was like watching an infant that has been startled, they reach out their arms and flex, and then getting upset and wailing when they have been awakened from a nap they didn't want to end.  The progression of how their dexterity and memory evolves with each hour, the ability to even hold a cup serving as the challenge of the hour.  This all happened in such a short time and he is fully recovered today.  The fight that he had in his heart, the willful desire to get out of the hospital and the acceptance of the severity of his condition is what pulled him through and while he doesn't have much recollection of the events, he knows it was life changing.

I cannot express enough that everyone needs to have an advocate that will stick by them and fight for their care.  I see the neglect every day, the people that don't even know how great they have it and yet continue to complain about what they are missing.  I see the way that patients are treated and made to feel helpless and alone when they should speak up and fight for their rights.  Just because someone is a doctor does not mean that they know everything about their field.  I am here to tell you that they do not.  It takes teamwork and patience, speaking up when you need to be heard and never taking no for an answer when you know there are other options.  Demand to be heard and share your opinions, your thoughts and ideas about what you think is going on.  Read your statements when they come from the myriad of hands that have touched you.  They all want their share.  Lastly, you can write them and tell them how you feel about your care and demand that they write off a portion of your bill.  Our original neurologist did that when I sent her a brief synopsis of what had transpired since last we were in her office.  I reminded her that there was no follow up after we requested his records be transferred.  Her level of care was lacking in so many departments and I suggested, rather nicely I might add, that she write off the balance.  She did and I knew she would.

  I guess the moral of this whole story is not only to explain my lack of attention to this site but also to share my experience so that it may help someone else someday.  We live in a time where we have a plethora of information available to us and, while for many it turns them into hypochondriacs, it helps to collect information early enough that you are able to form questions to ask the doctors.  Being prepared is the first step to taking care of yourself or your loved ones.  When I love someone there is nothing I wouldn't do for them, especially when they are not able to do it for themselves.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  Isn't that what it is all about?!  

What is your biggest stressor?

Awhile ago I had to write a paper in Psychology about my biggest stressor in life. After many hours contemplating about this very subject I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have any great stressors. I decided that, while I do react in a high pitched kind of crazy woman tone, I don't feel that any of the things that happen in my daily life would be so bad to warrant the title of "stressor". I talked about my mother and my codependent relationship with her, my children and their behavior due to a mixed belief parental influence and then there is my sister and the fact that we haven't spoken since my mom was diagnosed with Cancer. These things are all events that have happened and there is a ripple effect that each of them have caused. I see a stressor as something that you cannot change. A stressor falls into the category of your job or your personal relationships.  They are like bellybuttons, everyone has one!  So when I am asked to select the biggest one, well that is a difficult thing to do because, on any given day, one could be more stressful than another.

We have these moments in our day where the unexpected happens, whether it be a phone call you have been dreading, your boss decides to increase your workload or your child decides to confide in you something you didn't want to know about.  All of these may seem mundane and trivial on another day but, for reasons you can't explain really, today they push that button and you are immediately stressed out!  How we deal with this stress is a different story and one that repeats itself over and over again.  When this happens to me I try to isolate the reason this particular event is stressful.  I pick it apart until I have it in pieces in my mind and then I can analyze it, inspect it and approach it from different angles.  I don't run away from it like some people do but, instead, choose to approach it with wonder.  I feel that this approach works for me with the best outcome and therefore I can't really identify them as significant stressors in my life.

That being said, I was finding it really hard to complete this assignment.  I gradually was feeling more and more anxiety over completing the project and decided to ask other people about it.  I did what millions of people do these days - I posted it on Facebook.  I mentioned stressors, how I was finding it hard to identify and then I made a joke about it.  I commented on how this would end badly because my family would either not speak to me again and made sure that I stayed within the "lighthearted" attitude so as not to incur the wrath of my sibling.  This did not work in my favor and what followed was World War III.  I was questioned about my intentions, made to feel like I was inconsiderate and selfish and spent hours defending myself.  All of this was truly a learning experience and, as a result, I now know that there is a very fine line between what you think is funny enough to post on Fbook and what you are willing to deal with as a consequence of that post.

All of this was not in vain though because I did finish my paper and I received an "A" on it.  In the end my paper was written about the paper!  I had come to the conclusion that my biggest stressor turned out to be the act of deciding what my stressor actually was.  I had found that I was fairly stress free but when asked to review my stress, I came up short and therefore became stressed about doing well on the paper.  This escalated into a panic over what I would write about and, in the end, I determined that the assignment itself had morphed into my "Biggest Stressor".

What Now?

When you have young kids you yearn for a moment where all you can hear is the sound of your own breathing.  Your heart beating and, if you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself sitting on a beach with the wind blowing on your face while the waves crash in the distance.  You feel yourself going to that place and then your peaceful moment is pierced with a "MOM tell her to give me back my toy!".  You are quickly brought back into your space that if filled with children and Spongebob theme songs.  Life suddenly becomes about dinner and homework while the ever present longing exists just under the surface of your skin.

Don't misunderstand me....  I love being a mom.  I love everything about it and do not regret a single decision that was made when cancelling plans due to colds and fevers.  Those moments are stitched in to the crazy quilt that is my family and I cherish each thread that pieced it together.  What baffles me, more and more as my children grow, is that I have somehow lost that person that I started to develop before I became the end all-be all to two amazing daughters.  I find that I am left with fragments of a person I once knew and, like an intricate puzzle, requires attention in a time when technology is available with instant gratification.  The problem that I face is that this new technology is unfamiliar to me.  It leaves me inpatient and frustrated because it should be easy to find interests post children.  It shouldn't be this hard to socialize or get out of the house, to go somewhere that nurtures your desire to interact with like minded people and have some fun.

Your children are what binds you to other adults.  They give you an instant subject to discuss and break that wall down that adults these days now have.  The awkward ice breakers are not necessary once you find that you are interacting with someone that understands.  Someone that has kids.  In a world where your voice is computerized through a post or a text, where do we find those moments where you can have an actual conversation face to face?  Do you plan a dinner party by physically inviting people over or do you post an event and hope that people don't say "Maybe" they will attend because, let's face it, maybe means they don't want to decline but are not committed enough to say they are attending.  I don't know how to create an environment that nourishes the gypsy soul inside me.  The one that loves to sit and have an intimate conversation that includes updates on their lives, what they did the weekend prior or where they want to go for vacation.  Drinking a bottle of good wine while sharing these small moments in your friends' lives over a good meal is something to strive for.
That being said, I resolve myself to nurture the inner gypsy in me, to learn how to let my guard down and not takes things so seriously, to remember that I have created two amazing people that are lovely to be around and make up the best parts of my life.  I am a mom and I am proud of that.  Maybe being a mom is similar to being a gypsy.  We adapt, we learn how to make the most of the little things and have an abundance of love to share.  Isn't that what life is about?!  I heard somewhere that sometimes the brightest lights come from the darkest places.
 I aim to fill my life with twinkling lights and remind myself that darkness is not something to be afraid of, that it only serves as a blank canvas to bring more color into your life!

so time does get away from you when you are trying to blog.... I don't know how some people do it.  I try to write and always seem to get distracted in the middle of it.  I am taking an actual class at the local college and then doing two advanced, or accelerated classes, and there is so much writing in those that by the time I find a minute to write my brain is fried.  Mornings can be best but I am still trying to figure that out.  Life does have a way of taking over and you learn to use what time you have to put laundry in, do dishes and homework.  I am just so over extended that this blog becomes the last thing on my mind.  I guess it is true that you will find things to do whether you are really looking for them or not.  Maybe it should be a New Years resolution to sit with my coffee and blog until my coffee is gone.  We will see.  What I do know is that no matter how "moved out" you kids are....they still return back with needs, wants, help and memories.  Customs like the holidays are the time that you see that they are still your babies and whatever customs, traditions and rituals you have managed to repeat every year that are associated with a holiday become the thing they look forward to.  Those are the moments that bring them back and I say work them.  Use them to build new traditions with your adult kids.

Going Home....

It's so true what they say about you can never really go home!  Not the home you remember.  Not the place you hold so dear in your heart because it always changes.  I recently took my mother home to Oregon to meet her first Great Grandson, Jackson.  It was a truly eye opening experience in many ways but the most obvious one is that she had not flown on a plane for over 12 years.  That is before 9/11 so it was a bit of a shock.

She did not understand the security requirements and was overly nervous about making sure she had followed all the rules.  In turn she ended up being argumentative with the security people, pointed out things that did not matter and it resulted in a long flight.  The blessing of the trip was not only to see family but for family to see her as she is now, post Cancer that has aged her dramatically and requires more attention on my part.  It is easy to complain about your predicament in life, that you didn't expect to be a caretaker for an aging parent when you are so young, or that you didn't ask for the job, but it is truly another experience to have others see it all for themselves.  I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted because they now understand when I am tired, frustrated or just plain feeling sorry for myself.  It is not an easy task and requires an extreme amount of patience mixed in with some tolerance and acceptance.  It is not quite the best cocktail but it is what I dose up on in order to be around her.
She gets up at least six times a night to go to the bathroom, she snores very loudly but will never admit to it, she is obsessed with the next meal and when we are having it and continues to refuse to wear her hearing aids so everything you say has to be repeated at a higher volume.  Now I feel vindicated because before I was told that I treated her like a child and was mean to her.  This is so far from the truth but I can see where people might think that.  You have to approach an aging parent in the same way you would a toddler some days.  You have to remind them of things, like did they remember their pills or do they need to use the restroom before we leave.  You have to listen and choose what you tune out because sometimes they just need to talk; almost as if they are regurgitating information to test whether their memory is still in tact.  I listen to my mother read out loud every ad in the paper, all the articles that only she finds interesting and I choose to respond only when I have the time to go into a lengthy debate about how she feels about whatever new situation is up.  I did enjoy listening to her stories as we drove around, where someone lived, what they did and how she knew them.  Again it was as if she was testing her memory to check for accuracy but I could not point out errors as I didn't have a clue about who she was talking about.

In exchange for this I have my mother, quirks and all, for many more years and I would not trade it for the world.  I will take all the annoyances, and the abuse from others on how I deal with it, because they are not here doing it however I now do not feel as alone in it.  I now have people that have seen it in person and I am able to speak about with them when things get frustrating.  Oddly enough that makes all the difference.

It's my Mom scent.....

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted but life has a way of taking over.  The odd thing is that I started this blog to deal with my lack of activities due to the absence of my parental duties but I have managed to fill my time.  It seems that the original concern was finding something to do but now my worries are which ones do I focus on and how do I balance my time now?  The sleeping creative being has been awakened and I am flooded with ideas and interests.  Now I can't decide on which interest to commit my time to and find myself floundering.....

I have been interested in crafts for as long as I can remember but lately I have discovered quilting.  The simple creative process of selecting fabric is so relaxing that I am surprised by it.  I remember as a child my mother was, for lack of a better term, a fabric Tupperware dealer.  She sold fabric in our house, a process that was so similar to Tupperware, and I believe it was this select club that exposed me to the magic of fabric.  I loved the act of thumbing through the small swatches of fabric, carefully glued on cards and placed in boxes by category.  Women would come in droves to our living room and spend hours carefully selecting their fabric.  They would fill their order forms and weeks later pick them up.  After the sale closed my mother would let me rip off the sample swatches and I was given these little pieces of fabric to do with as I pleased.  I would make doll clothes, sew pieces together and cherish them.  Little did I know that this was the onset of my love for fabric.

Having idle time on my hands has allowed me to rediscover this love and I find myself quilting intricate patterns and dreaming of colored fabrics in all different designs.  It is relaxing and comforting to be surrounded by fabric.  The satisfaction I feel when I complete a project is outweighed by the thrill of finding my next project.  I had always stated that I did not sew but I now know this statement was limited to sewing clothing.  Following a pattern was never my strength so quilting fills that void.  There are no rules and patterns can be adjusted, tweaked and made-up.  A grand accomplishment for a person who "doesn't sew".   I suggest that everyone learn how to quilt even the most basic of quilting patterns and discover what I am talking about.  There is a sheer joy in using your hands and the stress you avoid is worth it.  Forget about the fact that I haven't heard from my girls for a few weeks yet I know they are fine, I am content to be sitting in from of my vintage Pfaff machine, carefully stitching my most recent design together, and waiting until the time when they will need me for their next catastrophe......I did see my youngest today and when I hugged her she stated that I smelled good.

I told her it was my Mom scent and it would be here when she needed it....quilting!

Let the Twisted Prevail!!!!

So I am taking a Children's Literature class at the local college and I love it....so far. I am sitting in a classroom and realizing that I could mother to almost all of them, except for one other student and the teacher, and slowly see that this is a class that must be required for elementary education. They are all budding teachers and my stomach drops because I am there to learn about children's lit. I want to write kids books but the teacher keeps referencing classroom strategies and what you can do with this in the classroom.... I am feeling very out of place and then I had an ah-ha moment. I decided to heck with all of them...I am here to get what I need from this class and they can like it or not. I don't care. This would be a very good example of a person who goes into a situation with a preconceived impression. This is not that classroom anymore. We were all to do a presentation on our favorite book for kids and I was torn. Should I go safe and be fake or should I be myself and risk the looks? It brought back memories of when I was a young mom and trying to find common interests with the other moms. I didn't fit in to begin with because I worked full time so I couldn't be there all the time for them. That was the first thing but then my point of view was different on rules and what my girls could do. I had decided that everything was ok and I would address what they weren't allowed to do if it created a problem. I guess this was not a normal way of raising a kid but I didn't want to be the rule monger. I didn't want to be the parent that controlled their child but instead wanted them to develop as they needed to....of course with gentle nudging in certain directions. They were, in turn, the children that were always allowed over at friends houses, invited to go on trips and sleepovers but other kids were not allowed at my house. I thought this was not fair....you see my girls and how they are...what makes you think that they are different at home? I felt dejected and defeated and finally gave up. I never did have the friendships I desired, the one where you raise your kids together and watch them grow while you sit and drink coffee and gossip. That was not in the cards for me but now I see that it wasn't supposed to be. Everyone has a life that they are to live. With that life they are supposed to learn, grow and hopefully teach one other person that it is ok to be different. It is normal to not be like everyone else and to be different, while it may be risky, it will work for you in the end. You just have to grow into the person that you are and it may take years before you get there. I am so glad that I risked the looks because it ended up working in my favor. I got up before the class, explained that I had gifted kids and was challenged early on to find age appropriate material that was for an advanced reader. I shared how our family had a dry and witty sense of humor and often it was dark and then I pulled out "There's a Hair in my Dirt" by Gary Larson of the Far Side fame. It was a total hit and right on the money. For the first time I felt like I wasn't a freak and didn't have to second guess my actions. I detailed how the book had one side of the page as cute and happy and then on the other side of the page it was sarcastic but educational with details about nature and facts that could be shared. In the end the teacher stopped and explained to the class that this is a big challenge for teachers and there is a need for higher level reading with kid themes. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Bitches Mannnn.......

One of the beautiful features of being older should be knowing what you want and being able to voice your opinion. I voice mine often and, while most times the outcome is positive, there are times that I offend on accident. I would have to say that it is because people are just too damn sensitive. I don't really want to live in a world where I have to worry about every little thing I say or do for fear that I may hurt someone's feelings or say the wrong thing. I have often said that I don't make a good friend to girls because I will not lie to them. I don't believe a friendship should be built on false words and you can never really trust a friend until you don't second guess yourself when you have spoken the truth. Women always have to put their two cents into a conversation, yes I am guilty as charged, but men speak the truth until a woman gets a hold of them. Women highly undervalue men and what they have to offer. Men are happy with silence. Women have to fill it with noise. You can walk with a man and not say a word while being content but a woman has to talk about her day and who said what to whom. I wonder why that is? We say that men are dumb and can't do anything right but I think it is women that just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and just enjoying the moment. Sit back and observe then when someone says something that intrigues you...you share your thoughts and then sit back. It is genius. No wonder women accuse men of never listening...they don't know what is important enough to listen to if there is a constant jumble of words.

That being said I hate women who trap men into believing they deserve the crappy treatment they are getting. I have a front row ticket to the show and it is just sickening what a woman can do to a man if she has the mind to. I spent the better part of my day supporting my friend and taping up his broken heart because SHE can't take care of her shit! She feels that he is not being supportive of her by neglecting to offer her money. Why? Three months of dating means that they are supposed to just hand over cash cuz you ask them to? And why is it such a bad thing for him to have said no based on that fact? He has been condemned to suffer the texting wrath of a crazy bitch who can't pay her own way in life. It is so sad! One bad seed ruins it for so many....

I told him that to be a unit you have to each be individuals first and that means paying your way in life. If you start into a relationship simply because you think your money worries will go away then what does that say about you as a person? Wouldn't you much rather enjoy knowing that you have got your own back and when things get tough, while they may really suck, you will at least muddle through? I think so! This girl does.

I remember a time, not so long ago, where my love moved her for me and didn't find work for almost a year. While I understood his situation, and worked very hard to not stress him out, it was a difficult transition but he still contributed in so many other ways. There may have been a time where I wished I didn't have work so hard (full time job, part time job for insurance and school 3/4 time) but I always knew I had support from him. I knew that he would do the same for me if I was in his shoes and it made it easier to handle. We joked about his being my wife due to his mad domestic skills but I always knew the limit. I imagined that it must be hard for him not to be able to help the way he wanted and kept the lines of communication open. We had some fights but we made it through it fine. Now he is employed and doing well but we are still on that equal level when it comes to contributing to the life we are building together. I have always said you can't be a we until you are a whole person first. Any other way just brings chaos to the table and heads will start to roll. Then the blame game starts and noone likes that game!

Wait and See mode....

There are hundreds of books that detail the specific relationship the author has with his or her dog. They are filled with anecdotes and funny memories of their beloved pet and detail the specific reasons as to why their dog was so special to them. I have to admit that I have a very hard time reading some of them. Yesterday I was reading the newest collection of stories, that I happened to stumble on in the $3.99 section of Barnes & Noble, and it covered the relationship that Dean Koontz had with his Golden Retriever "Trixie". I have to admit I opened it to see if it was suspenseful and mysterious but it was like all the others.

Our pets are like our children only they don't live as long. We bring them into our lives, homes and hearts and, in return, they bring us this amazing sense of peace. It is said that the blood pressure of a person that has a pet is much lower than that of a person without a pet. I agree. Just petting a dog slows the heartrate and calms the nerves. They are worth every penny you spend on them but it is the hardest thing to watch them age.

I have three dogs. Roxy is the youngest, at 8, and she is the nurse. She takes care of everyone and her sole purpose in life is to follow every move you make in case she might miss something. Most Boxers are like this but she is entertainment on four legs and has NEVER done anything wrong! Our 17 year old Jack Russell/Miniature Poodle mix, Kenya, is the same way and she is so dang smart that the kids taught her how to play dead. If they pointed their fingers at her, yelled "Bang, you're dead!" she would die accordingly. It was the greatest trick....I think of that every time I stand there hovering over her, watching for her chest to rise and fall. She is OLD~ All she does is eat, sleep and poop....and smell too. She is a smelly old dog. While she is terribly annoying as a ghost dog I do believe she will be missed in some way!

My beloved dog, Sam, is in the middle. This dog is the light of my life. He is obstreperous and bull headed, might be the Bulldog in him, and he rules the house. We cater to this dog and I am still not sure why. It may be that he demands it but I refuse to say I am ruled by my dog. If he wants to come in - He opens the door. If he feels you are not paying attention to him - he gets in your face and you cannot move his 100lb head anywhere else. You are forced to do his bidding and you do it willingly. There are the days that we forget to close the pantry door and he has spread the garbage all over the floor. There is drool 7ft up on the wall from his shaking his head and he has his own couch. A couch all to himself that, if another dog is on it, he simply has to put his head on the end and eventually the other dog will get down.

This powerhouse of a dog is pushing 13 years old and he still has every ounce of his personality. There are moments that he has trouble getting up from the floor. His back legs are less dependable than he is used to but he keeps going. He doesn't grace us with his presence until at least 9am, there are days he doesn't feel like going outside to pee and lately he hasn't had all that interest in eating. They say that your dog will tell you when he is ready to go and I believe that about this one.

I did have a friend that did Reiki on him a few years back. He was recovering from surgery and had a cancerous tumor taken off his leg. The vet said it would come back but age would get him before cancer did. I was devastated by the thought of losing my dog and my friend wanted to help. She put her hands on him and shook her head a lot as I tried to concentrate on not laughing. I am not saying that Reiki is weird but on my dog??? After awhile she began to tell me what she saw. She told me he wasn't ready either and that this was minor. She said there was so much love in him for me that it was touching. He isn't ready to leave yet but he is so sad that he didn't give you puppies. "Wait.... What????"

"He is sad that he didn't give me puppies???" I repeated with confusion. "Does that mean he is sad that he didn't have the opportunity to breed so I could have puppies or that he is sad that he didn't have puppies with ME?" I think that was a normal question considering what she had said.

This would be why I love this dog. I don't care what the answer was because it highlighted the personality of this dog. He is amazing and wonderful, quirky and goofy. He is an individual that lives with us in our house and to lose him would be so very sad. I will try to look at it as he is moving on to a better place, like the rest of my children, only I won't be able to visit him. I guess I didn't think about the fact that he may be empty nesting as well. His whole life has been about the girls and they are not here anymore. I wonder if he is sad and misses them? Whatever the reason for his recent slowing down I will be in "wait and see" mode. I am not ready to let him go so I hope he picks up on that. I know the end is coming and I think I will be ok with it because I know now that they never really leave you. You can write a book about them and then get Jennifer Aniston to act in the movie about your book. What a tale that would be.....

Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!

I get NO RESPECT

So lunch with Dad results in a job. Yeah for Dad! The funny thing is it was a no brainer so my concern is that she hasn't learned anything. Picture this.....

She had been working at a job, that her dad got her, since she was 14. She started out as a hostess and worked her butt off until she was cooking. It was a Thai restaurant and she was so engrained in the culture that she took directions in Thai. She even taught their cooking classes but it was like working for a family business....she took a lot of crap and was not treated with the respect any of us felt she should have. Fast forward to this other job that she got on her own as a supplement to her income and she worked both for awhile. She realized that she could enjoy her job and make some money so she quit the Thai restaurant. Then it all went south.

One of her big complaints was that they didn't respect her. Of course they didn't....she was used to being walked all over so she would do things for them and not have the guts to talk back. She would punch out and THEN do their bookwork for them. Can you say ILLEGAL??? I would try to tell her that she can't do that. I would say she needs to ask for more money at the Thai place and her excuse would be that they didn't make a lot but when she quit the owner said " I guess I should have given you a raise in the four years you worked her huh???". So here she is now with a job that her Dad has gotten her and I worry that the message will not get through.

The saving grace on this job is that she grew up in this bar....well not really but it is a restaurant/brewery and we spent a lot of time there. We were friends with the owners when they first opened up and have watched them grow and expand. It is a terrific opportunity for her and I would not be surprised if she ends up running the place but I still worry. At least she will have to be accountable this time. If she messes up it will get back to her Dad. She will have to keep in check with everything she does and that can only be good. I worry though that she won't have the ability to sell herself when, and if, she ever needed to. I can only hope that she will flourish here and her confidence will grow but at what cost. This would be that moment when you, as a parent that fights to believe that tough love can be necessary, step aside and wait for the other shoe to drop. I hate that feeling though and fight it. It is so self defeating to believe that your child can't do it without your help. We raised them to be confident and yet we step in and save the day. Is it for their benefit or ours? That is the hot question!

They say with addicts they have to want to make the change. They have to be the one to take that leap of faith and also hit rock bottom. A parent's worst fear is that bottom....will you know it when your child has hit it? How much can they take and how far can you push them until they snap? With all the suicides these days, the bullying, the not living up to your expectations, the denial of who they really are being juxtaposed to the person you try to turn them into. How do we find the balance to help them while nudging them out of the nest? It seems to be an ever evolving issue and daily can be a surprise. To her it is just a job and she is relieved and happy. To me it is a life vest thrown to her by her dad that could, at any moment, be retracted if she didn't position herself correctly. I am not so sure that it is the right thing and it makes me feel like I have no faith in my child. I guess I just need to sit back and watch the drama unfold. It may prove me wrong and I would be thrilled!

But could it be you......

Well she was fired!

Her first time being fired and over a $3.00 Chips and Salsa. At least that is what she thinks. She spoke of getting written up and didn't realize that the write up was actually her dismissal form. She signed it and thought she would resolve it the next day.

I remember the first time I was fired. I spent a week in bed so depressed and embarrassed. I just didn't know what the next step was but I eventually got out of bed, cleaned myself up and went off to find work.

The hardest part of this is to hear her talking about it as if she didn't do anything wrong. As a parent I tried to tiptoe around the issue while mentioning that it is a business and they don't typically fire people for nothing. She kept mentioning how disrespectful it was and I tried to reassure her that it wasn't about respect. It's not personal - it's business.

Then there are the constructive comments that I can't help myself from making. I can hear them come out of my mouth, and I know they will make her mad, but I feel like it should be said. I ask her if there might be a way that she could look at this as a learning experience. Is there something she can identify in herself, as an employee, that might need to change. She has had two jobs that she worked really hard at but always seems to have a prickly relationship. Does she take them for granted or is she oblivious to flaws she may have as an employee. What concerns me is the comments about being disrespected. It is so hard but I know this is a journey that she needs to take on her own. It is hard to watch her suffer but I need to let her do this on her own. She needs to figure this one out and make her steps to improve how she is as an employee and maybe her view of life will improve as well. It is the best thing for her and yet I will have to bite my tongue and let her make her mistakes. I just didn't expect it to be so painful for me. It kills me to not just step up and give her rent money while yelling at them for losing their best employee....but I guess she wasn't the best or she wouldn't have been fired.

Another day, another dilemna.