I am going to be 43 on June 25th. I had been married for 17 years to a great guy that made a great dad. (Happy Father's day by the way....I should text him but that is a whole other issue to write about...) We split in 2007 and dealt with trying to raise two daughters through their high school years. It was not the best time in my life but I somehow muddled through it. Now, after some major bumpy roads, I think we have all finally leveled out and working on moving on with our lives. What I didn't count on was to be so confused about who I was. After the craziness of divorce, having to split up possessions and sort through 17 years of memories so that we each were left with some, you would think I would have some idea of why I chose this path. I didn't and can say I still don't.
I now have a new love in my life and he is wonderful but he can't understand why I have that nagging feeling like I am supposed to be doing something. Does that feeling ever go away? I sure hope so.....I remember the nights I would be so tired but I would not be able to fall asleep until both my girls were safe at home. Well my youngest daughter, Heidi, has moved out recently and my older daughter, Monica, has been out of the house for two years. When Monica moved out I had Heidi at home still but she was a free spirit and very social. She always called me to tell me where she was going and when she would get home until she turned 18. I admit that I still keep my phone by the bed but I am able to push all the bad thoughts from my head and sleep soundly now.
That being said I woke up this morning and think I must have really slept hard. As I stumbled to the coffee pot I noticed Heidi's old door ajar. As I peek in to the room, there is Heidi fast asleep on the futon with the fan blowing straight on her. I didn't hear her come in at all! She has a bed in her own room....in her own apartment! Why is she here? I don't wake her because anyone that knows my Heidi, knows that you should not wake the sleeping monster! She is definitely not a morning person so I will be patient and wait to hear the next amazing adventure in the life of Heidi. My guess is that she was working and didn't want to go home to some party. I think when our kids move out, though they are telling you how confident they are and how excited they seem, once the magic wears off they miss the comforts of home. I mean who wouldn't ever want to leave if mom takes care of you. I think of the men that still live with their Moms at 50 and feel saddened for them. While I know it is not my place to judge I do feel very strongly about the way we raise future adults. Maybe that is what is wrong with this world and the instant gratification society... we are all just our parent's children and it can get blamed on them, like everything else we do wrong.....blame our parents!
She did tell me the other day that she is realizing that a whole new roll of toilet paper just doesn't magically appear unless you go out and buy it. At least it is a step in the right direction..... we shall see what drama entails once the sleepy monster has risen..... stay tuned!!!
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