I know it's not my birthday.....

I know, I know....it isn't my birthday yet but this morning is just a perfect example of why this is going to be such an interesting year.  Brief synopsis of my situation to start out and NO it is not a sob story!

I am going to be 43 on June 25th.  I had been married for 17 years to a great guy that made a great dad.  (Happy Father's day by the way....I should text him but that is a whole other issue to write about...)  We split in 2007 and dealt with trying to raise two daughters through their high school years.  It was not the best time in my life but I somehow muddled through it.  Now, after some major bumpy roads, I think we have all finally leveled out and working on moving on with our lives.  What I didn't count on was to be so confused about who I was.  After the craziness of divorce, having to split up possessions and sort through 17 years of memories so that we each were left with some, you would think I would have some idea of why I chose this path.  I didn't and can say I still don't.

 I now have a new love in my life and he is wonderful but he can't understand why I have that nagging feeling like I am supposed to be doing something.  Does that feeling ever go away?  I sure hope so.....I remember the nights I would be so tired but I would not be able to fall asleep until both my girls were safe at home.  Well my youngest daughter, Heidi, has moved out recently and my older daughter, Monica, has been out of the house for two years.  When Monica moved out I had Heidi at home still but she was a free spirit and very social.  She always called me to tell me where she was going and when she would get home until she turned 18.  I admit that I still keep my phone by the bed but I am able to push all the bad thoughts from my head and sleep soundly now.

That being said I woke up this morning and think I must have really slept hard.  As I stumbled to the coffee pot I noticed Heidi's old door ajar.  As I peek in to the room, there is Heidi fast asleep on the futon with the fan blowing straight on her. I didn't hear her come in at all! She has a bed in her own room....in her own apartment!  Why is she here?  I don't wake her because anyone that knows my Heidi, knows that you should not wake the sleeping monster!  She is definitely not a morning person so I will be patient and wait to hear the next amazing adventure in the life of Heidi.  My guess is that she was working and didn't want to go home to some party.  I think when our kids move out, though they are telling you how confident they are and how excited they seem, once the magic wears off they miss the comforts of home.  I mean who wouldn't ever want to leave if mom takes care of you.  I think of the men that still live with their Moms at 50 and feel saddened for them.  While I know it is not my place to judge I do feel very strongly about the way we raise future adults.  Maybe that is what is wrong with this world and the instant gratification society... we are all just our parent's children and it can get blamed on them, like everything else we do wrong.....blame our parents!

 She did tell me the other day that she is realizing that a whole new roll of toilet paper just doesn't magically appear unless you go out and buy it.  At least it is a step in the right direction..... we shall see what drama entails once the sleepy monster has risen..... stay tuned!!!

Grief and a Stone Cold Heart

Grief is an amazing process and one that is not to be taken lightly.  We have all experienced it, in one form or another, and each person has their own coping skills, but it is an individual experience that cannot be compared.  Often times people have comments on grief where they try to find the silver lining in order to console the one grieving.  That may be useful to some but it most often is met with disdain and the feeling of being unsupported.  Nobody knows how they are going to react and lets be honest, who really wants to know this?!

My experience with grief has taken me on, what I can only describe as, a roller coaster ride.  I lost someone so very dear to me last year that I didn't think I could go on.  I wanted to die myself.  How would I continue to be able to wake up when he was asleep forever?  How did it happen that he is no longer here and what do I do now?  I found that I loved him more deeply that even I knew and the loss of him was enough to literally make my heart hurt.  Deep, resounding and profound pain in the core of my body that resulted in just not caring about anything.  I didn't care if I ate or slept.  I couldn't sleep.  I was numb and when I was like that, it really didn't matter what anyone said to me.  After a few months, with a very understanding and patient partner, I began to enter into the living world again.  I could sit in the sun on the patio and not cry for a good twenty minutes.  I was able to listen to music with joy and remember him fondly, with a smile on my face and light in my heart.

What surprised me about grief is that it is not meant to be understood or explained.  It is meant to be respected and when you are allowed to do so, at your own pace and without judgement, you can see the dim light at the end of the excruciatingly long tunnel.  To be surrounded by love, light and gently guided, reminded, of the living world at a pace that works for you, allows you to move in to the next stage of acceptance without regret.  Without feeling that you somehow disappointed the family, the loved ones, by not grieving enough.

The other thing I found to happen was I was able to see very clearly what my role was in the lives of others around me.  My friends that I thought would understand, didn't.  The friends I had not seen in a long time, were supportive by just touching base as they knew what he meant to me.  It tears people apart and it brings people back together.  My grief was mine and only mine.  I wrapped it around me like a security blanket and used it when I needed to cry.  The purpose of grief is to process the things that you hold dear in your heart and mind so that you can retain what you need and take the time to get used to the idea that what you are grieving, is no longer there.  It can manifest in all sorts of ways and each type is unique.  Whether it be the loss of a child, a parent, a relationship, a pet or just that really great sweater you meticulously kept since you were a child.  The point is that grief is an individual experience and there is no guide book.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no time limit and there is no cap to how you will feel.  What you need to remember is that it will get better.  It has to. 

The thing that got me through the last 3 years is the amazing support of my husband, the man that allowed me to grieve another man.  I was allowed to feel, at any time, what that song brought on, the pages in my diary that my mom brought over in a box and details the moment I met him, the silly stories and the unplanned breakdowns.  I was given grief as a gift of love and I was able to move through it and come out on the other end with newfound admiration of the people that shared it with me. 

Don't be sad it is over, be glad it happened!  Give it patience and it will treat you with love!