Time has given me a new perspective and has allowed me to be able to look back at the last few years with an objective point of view. It is the hardest thing to do when you are reviewing choices you have made in life and not wonder if you might have done something different, would your life be the same. We often choose to say we have no regrets, I myself have used that term many times but the statement is conditional of my being a parent. How can I say I have regrets when life has given me my children. If I had made one move any differently, I might not have them so I say I have no regrets. Bring the present into the mix, I now feel differently.
I regret not taking that time and just sitting on the couch watching brainless TV with my daughter when she asked. I regret not being insistent on meeting the "parent" that so obviously was not present at the house that everyone hung out at. I regret giving up and saying yes when it was the quieter option rather than duke it out with my insistent teenager who wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.
Are these regrets that would change the course of my life? No. I don't think so. Would they have changed the course of my children's lives? I want to say yes. Absolutely yes but I am not sure. No one is sure. So what are we left with then??? The unalienable right to make decisions based on what you feel is best for you, or your children, at the time that you are supposed to make them. Whether they were the right choices, you may never know but we each are doing the best we can do. I would give anything to have the smell of my babies back for a minute. The feel of their hands as they reach for mine crossing a street. The sound of their little voices as they tell me about their day. It goes by so fast and then they are gone.
I should premise this discussion with the truth that I have recently started a support group for caregivers of loved ones that are mentally ill. My husband has been diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury and, having already dealt with depression most of his life, this newest turn of events has had an effect on all of us. I was in a fog for at least a year, trying very hard to keep it all together while my life, and his, was slowly falling apart. One thing I find that is common, having some insight after just a few meetings, is that parents and caregivers are one in the same. I mean that they have similar symptoms in that they put others needs before their own. I am guilty of this and I am learning now that I can't take care of him if I don't take care of myself. It's not selfish to do something for yourself. Simply put, it is a basic need, much like breathing or sleeping. That being said, looking back at my choices as a parent, I now know that I can regret that time has passed and I let it. I can regret that I allowed it to go so fast but I am also thankful that my regrets can fade with one phone call from my youngest. One email from my oldest. I may have made some questionable choices but they are fine. They love me and still want me in their lives. I must have done something right and for that............. I have no regrets.
#noregrets #emptynester #emptyquester #celebrate #life
