so time does get away from you when you are trying to blog.... I don't know how some people do it.  I try to write and always seem to get distracted in the middle of it.  I am taking an actual class at the local college and then doing two advanced, or accelerated classes, and there is so much writing in those that by the time I find a minute to write my brain is fried.  Mornings can be best but I am still trying to figure that out.  Life does have a way of taking over and you learn to use what time you have to put laundry in, do dishes and homework.  I am just so over extended that this blog becomes the last thing on my mind.  I guess it is true that you will find things to do whether you are really looking for them or not.  Maybe it should be a New Years resolution to sit with my coffee and blog until my coffee is gone.  We will see.  What I do know is that no matter how "moved out" you kids are....they still return back with needs, wants, help and memories.  Customs like the holidays are the time that you see that they are still your babies and whatever customs, traditions and rituals you have managed to repeat every year that are associated with a holiday become the thing they look forward to.  Those are the moments that bring them back and I say work them.  Use them to build new traditions with your adult kids.

Going Home....

It's so true what they say about you can never really go home!  Not the home you remember.  Not the place you hold so dear in your heart because it always changes.  I recently took my mother home to Oregon to meet her first Great Grandson, Jackson.  It was a truly eye opening experience in many ways but the most obvious one is that she had not flown on a plane for over 12 years.  That is before 9/11 so it was a bit of a shock.

She did not understand the security requirements and was overly nervous about making sure she had followed all the rules.  In turn she ended up being argumentative with the security people, pointed out things that did not matter and it resulted in a long flight.  The blessing of the trip was not only to see family but for family to see her as she is now, post Cancer that has aged her dramatically and requires more attention on my part.  It is easy to complain about your predicament in life, that you didn't expect to be a caretaker for an aging parent when you are so young, or that you didn't ask for the job, but it is truly another experience to have others see it all for themselves.  I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted because they now understand when I am tired, frustrated or just plain feeling sorry for myself.  It is not an easy task and requires an extreme amount of patience mixed in with some tolerance and acceptance.  It is not quite the best cocktail but it is what I dose up on in order to be around her.
She gets up at least six times a night to go to the bathroom, she snores very loudly but will never admit to it, she is obsessed with the next meal and when we are having it and continues to refuse to wear her hearing aids so everything you say has to be repeated at a higher volume.  Now I feel vindicated because before I was told that I treated her like a child and was mean to her.  This is so far from the truth but I can see where people might think that.  You have to approach an aging parent in the same way you would a toddler some days.  You have to remind them of things, like did they remember their pills or do they need to use the restroom before we leave.  You have to listen and choose what you tune out because sometimes they just need to talk; almost as if they are regurgitating information to test whether their memory is still in tact.  I listen to my mother read out loud every ad in the paper, all the articles that only she finds interesting and I choose to respond only when I have the time to go into a lengthy debate about how she feels about whatever new situation is up.  I did enjoy listening to her stories as we drove around, where someone lived, what they did and how she knew them.  Again it was as if she was testing her memory to check for accuracy but I could not point out errors as I didn't have a clue about who she was talking about.

In exchange for this I have my mother, quirks and all, for many more years and I would not trade it for the world.  I will take all the annoyances, and the abuse from others on how I deal with it, because they are not here doing it however I now do not feel as alone in it.  I now have people that have seen it in person and I am able to speak about with them when things get frustrating.  Oddly enough that makes all the difference.

It's my Mom scent.....

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted but life has a way of taking over.  The odd thing is that I started this blog to deal with my lack of activities due to the absence of my parental duties but I have managed to fill my time.  It seems that the original concern was finding something to do but now my worries are which ones do I focus on and how do I balance my time now?  The sleeping creative being has been awakened and I am flooded with ideas and interests.  Now I can't decide on which interest to commit my time to and find myself floundering.....

I have been interested in crafts for as long as I can remember but lately I have discovered quilting.  The simple creative process of selecting fabric is so relaxing that I am surprised by it.  I remember as a child my mother was, for lack of a better term, a fabric Tupperware dealer.  She sold fabric in our house, a process that was so similar to Tupperware, and I believe it was this select club that exposed me to the magic of fabric.  I loved the act of thumbing through the small swatches of fabric, carefully glued on cards and placed in boxes by category.  Women would come in droves to our living room and spend hours carefully selecting their fabric.  They would fill their order forms and weeks later pick them up.  After the sale closed my mother would let me rip off the sample swatches and I was given these little pieces of fabric to do with as I pleased.  I would make doll clothes, sew pieces together and cherish them.  Little did I know that this was the onset of my love for fabric.

Having idle time on my hands has allowed me to rediscover this love and I find myself quilting intricate patterns and dreaming of colored fabrics in all different designs.  It is relaxing and comforting to be surrounded by fabric.  The satisfaction I feel when I complete a project is outweighed by the thrill of finding my next project.  I had always stated that I did not sew but I now know this statement was limited to sewing clothing.  Following a pattern was never my strength so quilting fills that void.  There are no rules and patterns can be adjusted, tweaked and made-up.  A grand accomplishment for a person who "doesn't sew".   I suggest that everyone learn how to quilt even the most basic of quilting patterns and discover what I am talking about.  There is a sheer joy in using your hands and the stress you avoid is worth it.  Forget about the fact that I haven't heard from my girls for a few weeks yet I know they are fine, I am content to be sitting in from of my vintage Pfaff machine, carefully stitching my most recent design together, and waiting until the time when they will need me for their next catastrophe......I did see my youngest today and when I hugged her she stated that I smelled good.

I told her it was my Mom scent and it would be here when she needed it....quilting!

Let the Twisted Prevail!!!!

So I am taking a Children's Literature class at the local college and I love it....so far. I am sitting in a classroom and realizing that I could mother to almost all of them, except for one other student and the teacher, and slowly see that this is a class that must be required for elementary education. They are all budding teachers and my stomach drops because I am there to learn about children's lit. I want to write kids books but the teacher keeps referencing classroom strategies and what you can do with this in the classroom.... I am feeling very out of place and then I had an ah-ha moment. I decided to heck with all of them...I am here to get what I need from this class and they can like it or not. I don't care. This would be a very good example of a person who goes into a situation with a preconceived impression. This is not that classroom anymore. We were all to do a presentation on our favorite book for kids and I was torn. Should I go safe and be fake or should I be myself and risk the looks? It brought back memories of when I was a young mom and trying to find common interests with the other moms. I didn't fit in to begin with because I worked full time so I couldn't be there all the time for them. That was the first thing but then my point of view was different on rules and what my girls could do. I had decided that everything was ok and I would address what they weren't allowed to do if it created a problem. I guess this was not a normal way of raising a kid but I didn't want to be the rule monger. I didn't want to be the parent that controlled their child but instead wanted them to develop as they needed to....of course with gentle nudging in certain directions. They were, in turn, the children that were always allowed over at friends houses, invited to go on trips and sleepovers but other kids were not allowed at my house. I thought this was not fair....you see my girls and how they are...what makes you think that they are different at home? I felt dejected and defeated and finally gave up. I never did have the friendships I desired, the one where you raise your kids together and watch them grow while you sit and drink coffee and gossip. That was not in the cards for me but now I see that it wasn't supposed to be. Everyone has a life that they are to live. With that life they are supposed to learn, grow and hopefully teach one other person that it is ok to be different. It is normal to not be like everyone else and to be different, while it may be risky, it will work for you in the end. You just have to grow into the person that you are and it may take years before you get there. I am so glad that I risked the looks because it ended up working in my favor. I got up before the class, explained that I had gifted kids and was challenged early on to find age appropriate material that was for an advanced reader. I shared how our family had a dry and witty sense of humor and often it was dark and then I pulled out "There's a Hair in my Dirt" by Gary Larson of the Far Side fame. It was a total hit and right on the money. For the first time I felt like I wasn't a freak and didn't have to second guess my actions. I detailed how the book had one side of the page as cute and happy and then on the other side of the page it was sarcastic but educational with details about nature and facts that could be shared. In the end the teacher stopped and explained to the class that this is a big challenge for teachers and there is a need for higher level reading with kid themes. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Bitches Mannnn.......

One of the beautiful features of being older should be knowing what you want and being able to voice your opinion. I voice mine often and, while most times the outcome is positive, there are times that I offend on accident. I would have to say that it is because people are just too damn sensitive. I don't really want to live in a world where I have to worry about every little thing I say or do for fear that I may hurt someone's feelings or say the wrong thing. I have often said that I don't make a good friend to girls because I will not lie to them. I don't believe a friendship should be built on false words and you can never really trust a friend until you don't second guess yourself when you have spoken the truth. Women always have to put their two cents into a conversation, yes I am guilty as charged, but men speak the truth until a woman gets a hold of them. Women highly undervalue men and what they have to offer. Men are happy with silence. Women have to fill it with noise. You can walk with a man and not say a word while being content but a woman has to talk about her day and who said what to whom. I wonder why that is? We say that men are dumb and can't do anything right but I think it is women that just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and just enjoying the moment. Sit back and observe then when someone says something that intrigues you...you share your thoughts and then sit back. It is genius. No wonder women accuse men of never listening...they don't know what is important enough to listen to if there is a constant jumble of words.

That being said I hate women who trap men into believing they deserve the crappy treatment they are getting. I have a front row ticket to the show and it is just sickening what a woman can do to a man if she has the mind to. I spent the better part of my day supporting my friend and taping up his broken heart because SHE can't take care of her shit! She feels that he is not being supportive of her by neglecting to offer her money. Why? Three months of dating means that they are supposed to just hand over cash cuz you ask them to? And why is it such a bad thing for him to have said no based on that fact? He has been condemned to suffer the texting wrath of a crazy bitch who can't pay her own way in life. It is so sad! One bad seed ruins it for so many....

I told him that to be a unit you have to each be individuals first and that means paying your way in life. If you start into a relationship simply because you think your money worries will go away then what does that say about you as a person? Wouldn't you much rather enjoy knowing that you have got your own back and when things get tough, while they may really suck, you will at least muddle through? I think so! This girl does.

I remember a time, not so long ago, where my love moved her for me and didn't find work for almost a year. While I understood his situation, and worked very hard to not stress him out, it was a difficult transition but he still contributed in so many other ways. There may have been a time where I wished I didn't have work so hard (full time job, part time job for insurance and school 3/4 time) but I always knew I had support from him. I knew that he would do the same for me if I was in his shoes and it made it easier to handle. We joked about his being my wife due to his mad domestic skills but I always knew the limit. I imagined that it must be hard for him not to be able to help the way he wanted and kept the lines of communication open. We had some fights but we made it through it fine. Now he is employed and doing well but we are still on that equal level when it comes to contributing to the life we are building together. I have always said you can't be a we until you are a whole person first. Any other way just brings chaos to the table and heads will start to roll. Then the blame game starts and noone likes that game!

Wait and See mode....

There are hundreds of books that detail the specific relationship the author has with his or her dog. They are filled with anecdotes and funny memories of their beloved pet and detail the specific reasons as to why their dog was so special to them. I have to admit that I have a very hard time reading some of them. Yesterday I was reading the newest collection of stories, that I happened to stumble on in the $3.99 section of Barnes & Noble, and it covered the relationship that Dean Koontz had with his Golden Retriever "Trixie". I have to admit I opened it to see if it was suspenseful and mysterious but it was like all the others.

Our pets are like our children only they don't live as long. We bring them into our lives, homes and hearts and, in return, they bring us this amazing sense of peace. It is said that the blood pressure of a person that has a pet is much lower than that of a person without a pet. I agree. Just petting a dog slows the heartrate and calms the nerves. They are worth every penny you spend on them but it is the hardest thing to watch them age.

I have three dogs. Roxy is the youngest, at 8, and she is the nurse. She takes care of everyone and her sole purpose in life is to follow every move you make in case she might miss something. Most Boxers are like this but she is entertainment on four legs and has NEVER done anything wrong! Our 17 year old Jack Russell/Miniature Poodle mix, Kenya, is the same way and she is so dang smart that the kids taught her how to play dead. If they pointed their fingers at her, yelled "Bang, you're dead!" she would die accordingly. It was the greatest trick....I think of that every time I stand there hovering over her, watching for her chest to rise and fall. She is OLD~ All she does is eat, sleep and poop....and smell too. She is a smelly old dog. While she is terribly annoying as a ghost dog I do believe she will be missed in some way!

My beloved dog, Sam, is in the middle. This dog is the light of my life. He is obstreperous and bull headed, might be the Bulldog in him, and he rules the house. We cater to this dog and I am still not sure why. It may be that he demands it but I refuse to say I am ruled by my dog. If he wants to come in - He opens the door. If he feels you are not paying attention to him - he gets in your face and you cannot move his 100lb head anywhere else. You are forced to do his bidding and you do it willingly. There are the days that we forget to close the pantry door and he has spread the garbage all over the floor. There is drool 7ft up on the wall from his shaking his head and he has his own couch. A couch all to himself that, if another dog is on it, he simply has to put his head on the end and eventually the other dog will get down.

This powerhouse of a dog is pushing 13 years old and he still has every ounce of his personality. There are moments that he has trouble getting up from the floor. His back legs are less dependable than he is used to but he keeps going. He doesn't grace us with his presence until at least 9am, there are days he doesn't feel like going outside to pee and lately he hasn't had all that interest in eating. They say that your dog will tell you when he is ready to go and I believe that about this one.

I did have a friend that did Reiki on him a few years back. He was recovering from surgery and had a cancerous tumor taken off his leg. The vet said it would come back but age would get him before cancer did. I was devastated by the thought of losing my dog and my friend wanted to help. She put her hands on him and shook her head a lot as I tried to concentrate on not laughing. I am not saying that Reiki is weird but on my dog??? After awhile she began to tell me what she saw. She told me he wasn't ready either and that this was minor. She said there was so much love in him for me that it was touching. He isn't ready to leave yet but he is so sad that he didn't give you puppies. "Wait.... What????"

"He is sad that he didn't give me puppies???" I repeated with confusion. "Does that mean he is sad that he didn't have the opportunity to breed so I could have puppies or that he is sad that he didn't have puppies with ME?" I think that was a normal question considering what she had said.

This would be why I love this dog. I don't care what the answer was because it highlighted the personality of this dog. He is amazing and wonderful, quirky and goofy. He is an individual that lives with us in our house and to lose him would be so very sad. I will try to look at it as he is moving on to a better place, like the rest of my children, only I won't be able to visit him. I guess I didn't think about the fact that he may be empty nesting as well. His whole life has been about the girls and they are not here anymore. I wonder if he is sad and misses them? Whatever the reason for his recent slowing down I will be in "wait and see" mode. I am not ready to let him go so I hope he picks up on that. I know the end is coming and I think I will be ok with it because I know now that they never really leave you. You can write a book about them and then get Jennifer Aniston to act in the movie about your book. What a tale that would be.....

Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!

I get NO RESPECT

So lunch with Dad results in a job. Yeah for Dad! The funny thing is it was a no brainer so my concern is that she hasn't learned anything. Picture this.....

She had been working at a job, that her dad got her, since she was 14. She started out as a hostess and worked her butt off until she was cooking. It was a Thai restaurant and she was so engrained in the culture that she took directions in Thai. She even taught their cooking classes but it was like working for a family business....she took a lot of crap and was not treated with the respect any of us felt she should have. Fast forward to this other job that she got on her own as a supplement to her income and she worked both for awhile. She realized that she could enjoy her job and make some money so she quit the Thai restaurant. Then it all went south.

One of her big complaints was that they didn't respect her. Of course they didn't....she was used to being walked all over so she would do things for them and not have the guts to talk back. She would punch out and THEN do their bookwork for them. Can you say ILLEGAL??? I would try to tell her that she can't do that. I would say she needs to ask for more money at the Thai place and her excuse would be that they didn't make a lot but when she quit the owner said " I guess I should have given you a raise in the four years you worked her huh???". So here she is now with a job that her Dad has gotten her and I worry that the message will not get through.

The saving grace on this job is that she grew up in this bar....well not really but it is a restaurant/brewery and we spent a lot of time there. We were friends with the owners when they first opened up and have watched them grow and expand. It is a terrific opportunity for her and I would not be surprised if she ends up running the place but I still worry. At least she will have to be accountable this time. If she messes up it will get back to her Dad. She will have to keep in check with everything she does and that can only be good. I worry though that she won't have the ability to sell herself when, and if, she ever needed to. I can only hope that she will flourish here and her confidence will grow but at what cost. This would be that moment when you, as a parent that fights to believe that tough love can be necessary, step aside and wait for the other shoe to drop. I hate that feeling though and fight it. It is so self defeating to believe that your child can't do it without your help. We raised them to be confident and yet we step in and save the day. Is it for their benefit or ours? That is the hot question!

They say with addicts they have to want to make the change. They have to be the one to take that leap of faith and also hit rock bottom. A parent's worst fear is that bottom....will you know it when your child has hit it? How much can they take and how far can you push them until they snap? With all the suicides these days, the bullying, the not living up to your expectations, the denial of who they really are being juxtaposed to the person you try to turn them into. How do we find the balance to help them while nudging them out of the nest? It seems to be an ever evolving issue and daily can be a surprise. To her it is just a job and she is relieved and happy. To me it is a life vest thrown to her by her dad that could, at any moment, be retracted if she didn't position herself correctly. I am not so sure that it is the right thing and it makes me feel like I have no faith in my child. I guess I just need to sit back and watch the drama unfold. It may prove me wrong and I would be thrilled!

But could it be you......

Well she was fired!

Her first time being fired and over a $3.00 Chips and Salsa. At least that is what she thinks. She spoke of getting written up and didn't realize that the write up was actually her dismissal form. She signed it and thought she would resolve it the next day.

I remember the first time I was fired. I spent a week in bed so depressed and embarrassed. I just didn't know what the next step was but I eventually got out of bed, cleaned myself up and went off to find work.

The hardest part of this is to hear her talking about it as if she didn't do anything wrong. As a parent I tried to tiptoe around the issue while mentioning that it is a business and they don't typically fire people for nothing. She kept mentioning how disrespectful it was and I tried to reassure her that it wasn't about respect. It's not personal - it's business.

Then there are the constructive comments that I can't help myself from making. I can hear them come out of my mouth, and I know they will make her mad, but I feel like it should be said. I ask her if there might be a way that she could look at this as a learning experience. Is there something she can identify in herself, as an employee, that might need to change. She has had two jobs that she worked really hard at but always seems to have a prickly relationship. Does she take them for granted or is she oblivious to flaws she may have as an employee. What concerns me is the comments about being disrespected. It is so hard but I know this is a journey that she needs to take on her own. It is hard to watch her suffer but I need to let her do this on her own. She needs to figure this one out and make her steps to improve how she is as an employee and maybe her view of life will improve as well. It is the best thing for her and yet I will have to bite my tongue and let her make her mistakes. I just didn't expect it to be so painful for me. It kills me to not just step up and give her rent money while yelling at them for losing their best employee....but I guess she wasn't the best or she wouldn't have been fired.

Another day, another dilemna.

Just call me James......

So what is the magic that transforms a person into a slave to their kids? I get the whole carpool thing with school age kids, taking them to and from practice or lessons, but I never enjoyed it. I always got that feeling that I was being used for my car. I know that sounds so selfish but it was true. My mom never took me anywhere. If I wanted to go over to a friends house I would ride my bike. I remember being only nine and taking a bus with my friend, Nikki, to Sacramento to go to Macy's. That was 45 minutes away and in another city. I just knew that my parents worked and it was not convenient. I swore that when I became a parent I would always take them where they needed to go. I made a vow to be the mom that I always wanted but never asked for. And then I had kids.

I became a hairdresser so that I would have the flexibility to be there for my girls. My youngest had gymnastics twice a week and my oldest had a best friend that lived 20 minutes away. The only thing was that we lived within walking distance of the school. I still saw parents, that lived on our street, get in the car every morning to take them to school while I sent mine off, watched them walk to the corner, turn to me and wave as I waved back. They share stories of how my oldest would make her little sister walk on the other side of the street when she was mad at her. They would walk almost a city mile to the 7-eleven for doughnuts and slurpees. They had a good childhood and nothing bad happened. I felt like I had raised girls that were self sufficient and confident.

What turns an intelligent, creative female into a blithering idiot that comes when called? When your child calls you and you can't understand them, she is inconsolable and her voice is quivering, and you barely make out "just come get me" I grab my keys and am out the door. I forget about the fact that I am at a friends house, that I never get to see, and watching a movie with her and her son. I go and pick her up only to have her complain about how mad she is about something at work and can I just take her home. My natural parental instinct is to fix this. I would really love to just march right into her work and tell the manager off for not appreciating the amazing worker he has in her but I can't do that. Instead I am told that I really don't understand and never will. I get snapped at, pull up to her house and she gets out. No "thanks mom". No sitting in the car and talking about it. Just the sound of the door shutting and she is gone.

So my question is this.... when do you know it is time to say NO! When do you take that leap of faith and know that you cannot solve their problems but they will be fine. How do you turn that off so that you can sleep or eat or take time for yourself. To be selfish and tell her "I can't come get you honey. I am out with friends"? It is killing me that I don't know what to say to make it alright while not getting yelled at. When did I become this person and how do I change it? The funny thing is that everyone has something great to say but they are not here dealing with it. So wouldn't that be the same thing as her saying I don't understand.....

Yearning for the carefree non-child thought process......

So one of the side effects of not having kids to deal with on a daily basis is that I don't know what to do with all my time. I have all these things I would love to do but so few things I actually delve into. I wonder why that is and the only thing I can think of is that I have this thought in the back of my head that I will be interrupted.

How do you stop that? How do you inspire yourself to just start something? Anything! How do you turn the switch off that works that part of the brain where you doubt your abilities, your talents or your dreams? I am jealous of the people that can get up in the morning and get right back into something they left the night before. It is so hard to get moving on something when my brain is programmed for short spurts of time.

When my kids were small I knew I had a few hours before one would come home from preschool. These moments were used up by laundry and grocery shopping. Then there were the moments where you were finally able to do something for yourself and, thanks to cell phones, you would get a call and have to leave to pick up a kid or solve the world's problems. It is almost like the instant gratification that kids need these days but in reverse. You eventually give up and choose not to do something just in case you have a crisis and have to leave that. I wonder why that is and how to go back to carefree non-child moments. I guess I just have to start with slow spurts of creativity and hope for the best. Once I get into doing something often I can't put it down. My problem is finishing things. Whether it is an issue with not wanting it to end or fear of not being able to start something new....maybe it is the things I choose to do take longer than I originally expected. I am not sure. All I know is that I have so many projects that I start, even more that I have on a list of things to do but not enough finished. Again I feel it may be the result of knowing I have short spurts of time that allow me to have something to work on. That being said my goal for this time I have is to just work on something. Anything. If I am working on it then I feel inspired. I never thought I would have trouble getting inspired to do something but kids do that to you. Life can do that to you. We are all so busy and our schedules are so full that we don't allow ourselves the time to nurture our souls desires. If we don't do it now when will we?

Funny thing happened when I went to my reunion.....

So imagine this....23 years after I dated a cute guy my senior year of high school I meet him on Facebook and live with him now. We just returned from our 25th High School Reunion in Iowa. We had a blast and I saw some faces I was sure I would never see. There were the cheerleaders that I pegged for horrible beings then and were so sweet now. There was my very outgoing and borderline obnoxious best friend that is so quiet and passive now and then there was my Todd. I love this man and will love him until the day I die. He was my confidante and shoulder to cry on. He was my fashion guru then and continued to be so now. There is never a conversation between us that is less than two hours or where I don't end up clutching my sides in pain. He is the person that knows everyone and is loved by so many.

The side effect of dating this cute boy is that I dated his friend in high school. It is so funny how people now think that once you have dated someone you will care about who they are dating 25 years later or that they have some unknown grudge against you. Really??? I think the beauty of aging is that we learn that things just aren't so important that you need to go and stir up some shit to make your life more interesting. I am sorry....I have more drama and stress in my life from just my job I don't think that I can handle anymore. That being said this is the first visit that these boys have not seen each other at all. AT ALL! Now if you know that they always see each other when one comes home, and then you are new to the mix and they don't see each other......wouldn't you think it was you?

I felt awful that my cute boy didn't get to see his friend. I kept telling him to go and see him and have boy time. I reminded him that we live together and see each other all the time and it was fine...I don't blame him for being a bit weirded out if he was at all..... All I know is that it didn't happen. It is a terrible feeling to think that you are keeping people apart and then to have someone jump in and throw ideas around as to why this did not happen. I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run but boy did I get reminded of how high school was and why I am sooooo glad that I don't have to deal with it. It was a small taste of the past that left me thankful for my cute boy and the life I have created now. And to the boy I dated then....please....get over yourself and call your friend that misses you!

When does it stop.......

The worry, the frustration, the need for control and the expectation that they will do what you would do in the situation presented to them. It is the hardest thing, as a parent, to sit back and NOT react when they do something stupid. To not put on your cape and hone your supermom powers to fix the wrong in their life.

I have two wonderful daughters that are very different in shape, look and personality. It is almost as if I got the best of all personalities....one is moody and difficult and the other is quiet and respectful but lately it is like they flipped. One has been out of the house for around two years and the other just moved out. The one that has been gone awhile had surgery and "needed" me but now says she is choking on "family time" and that it is all too much while the other has been here for two weeks and doesn't want to go back to her own apartment.

What I don't understand is when do I get the break? When is it ok for a parent to say "NO - I am sorry but you are just going to have to figure that out on your own." It is so dang frustrating to sit and watch them be individuals that don't need you and yet stay objective to the choices they are making. I want to shake them and tell them that the world doesn't work that way...you can't just sit on your shit and expect it to go away! You can't be sweet and kind when you need something, feeding that intense maternal need that has been squelched from lack of use, and then expect that it is ok when you have had enough of me. The problem is that I am torn daily on what is the right thing to say or do with them both.

I know that my youngest will always call when she needs something but she also hangs out with us alot. The oldest just feels like I am supposed to leave her alone when she wants me to and then morphs into whatever personality she is dating at the time. This one is rude! She says she has had enough of me and that I am bugging her but she had surgery.....she was laid up and I cooked for her, made sure she had her meds, got her where she needed to go and worried about her. I did lay awake at night and worry about her more from this than when she was little, or even driving! Now that is a lot of worry..... So when they tell you that they want you to go away I get that but what about how they say it?! I don't mean to be a martyr but what parent doesn't want their kid to say "hey, I appreciate all that you have done for me but I need some time." That is all it takes.

We give up our lives, our personalities and the rest of our worry free days to these small people we brought into this world....the least they could do is acknowledge that it is not the easiest job in the world and it often sucks. We are constantly torn between what is right and what our instincts tell us to do, what we want and what they want. We flip to the future when presented with a moral dilemna to make the right decision at that moment and hope the lesson sinks in. Some kids need the lesson repeated a few times until they get it and some, unfortunately, never will but the whole idea of parenting is a leap of faith to begin with. There is no handbook or instruction manual and you try to do right by them but there are the moments that your personality, flawed as we all are, does break through and you make a mistake. You contradict yourself, you second guess your decision or you just plain change your mind. You are, as a parent, allowed all of that so when you do encounter a moment where your child is doing EXACTLY the same thing.....I guess that may be the time to stop.

Take a breath and review the situation. You just may realize you did your job and created a living, breathing adult that thinks for themselves, has opinions that you did not influence and beliefs you did not instill in them. When this person came from is still a mystery....all the other kids in the same boat I guess. What is important to remember is that down deep inside of them, no matter how hard they are trying to ignore it, is that little child that used to run to you when you walked in a room. That small piece of you that thought you hung the moon and the stars.....she is still in there somewhere and if I did my job right, she will come out every so often. That is the true test of a parent.....the waiting for those moments. They may be few and far between but so worth the wait!

Every time a baby is born it gets an annoying lullaby....

SURGERY DAY!!! It is a true test of a parent's patience when their baby is going under the knife...it kinda feels like when you send them off to school for the first time. Sure you can take my child, put needles in their arms and put them to sleep while you cut into their leg and take something out of them!

The fun part of this was to watch my otherwise drug free child become so loopy from the pre-op meds that she stated she was afraid of bears and her leg is like a steak while her head was full of rice and sand. It was a lot of fun....

The best part of this experience was that we had the surgery at the new Mercy Gilbert Hospital. This is the coolest hospital and sets the bar for any other surgical experience I ever aim to have. For starters the Emergency Room was EMPTY~ Empty as in not one patient waiting with blood on their shirt, a baby crying or a family huddled together to rally around some old person with heart attack symptoms masking the bean burrito they snuck earlier that day. I have spent my fair share of time in an ER and this was not like any other one I have seen. It was clean, neat and empty. But there is more....

They took my daughter back for pre-op and handed me one of those vibrating discs that you get when you are waiting for a table at a restaurant. This not only buzzes me but it texts me the progress straight from the operating room. What the heck???? This is the coolest thing ever. It didn't matter that they were pre programmed messages it eased my mind and made me feel more in control. I would get a buzz that said "the procedure is going well" or "the patient is waking up and doing well". Think about the other things we could use these things for....
The hairdresser "your color is not the best choice for you - lets try lighter" or the dentist "you have a cavity". How about getting one from your teacher that says "please surrender your phone!". How easily we could be controlled....wait isn't that what texting is??? Brilliant!

So there was one thing that did kindof freak me out though...more than I already was....and that was this very creepy lullaby that played on the speaker system every so often. When it first went off I looked around trying to figure out where it was coming from. It was the tune to "Rock-a-bye-baby". Mind you it was 5:30 in the morning so my initial thought was it had something to do with the time. After it happened again I looked around more and this very nice lady across from me chuckled and said "that means a baby was just born". Whaaat? So every time, no matter what time of day, this dumb tune plays over and over again. I don't know if I could handle that....I have heard of a bell going off and that meaning an angel has gotten its wings but an annoying lullaby every time a baby is born??? By the third time I was thinking on other songs that could replace this annoying lullaby...."Another One Bites the Dust" when someone dies, "Your a Heartbreaker" when someone has a heart attack or Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" when a patient stops breathing....I could go on and on but a lullaby??? Come on....I was there for 4 hours and heard this song at least 5 times....imagine on a busy day! Crazy!!!

So here I sit with my invalid daughter at home, watching episode after episode of True Blood and getting her whatever she needs. I know she is recovering from surgery but there is a part of me that is thrilled that I get to take care of her even for a few days. I guess it rekindles that love that a mother has for the simpler times when all they wanted was a fresh sippy cup of juice and their favorite cartoon. While she has replaced the sippy cup with a Starbuck's cup, and the cartoons are gory vampire dramas, she is and always will be my little Mousie~

Random Dial....curse of the butt dial!

We have all been there....that mysterious call that you get, you listen and say hello a few times and on the other end there are all sorts of weird sounds coming from this person that has called you. Do you hang up or do you wait until they realize you are on the line? Are they in trouble and you are their lifeline to safety and rescue?

I consider it a challenge to try to figure out what they are doing because inevitably you will lose contact. I listen to the sounds, if I can hear voices and try and decipher conversations. I know it is sketchy but hey, they called me! I remember one time my butt dialed my boyfriend and I knew he was the one for me when he told me that he listened to my singing along with a song on the radio. I quickly enabled my face lock on my phone to prevent that from happening again! Funny how stage fright carries on to butt dialing....who knew!

As far as my children go, I mentioned before that I still have my phone right by my bed at night, so when Heidi butt dials me 2am I bolt awake and am prepared for disaster. I proceed to yell her name a few times as the dogs look at me confusedly, and realize she is fine but at a party. She is talking about Papago Park and hiking while having fun with her friends. Then I realize the friends are boys. My baby is with multiple boys at two am. Now this is more concerning. I remember the days where she was not allowed to be in the same room alone with a boy....when did that change? How was this happening? What was I going to do about it....she could get in trouble and I would never know it. Who are they and who are their parents? Something MUST be done to prevent her from making a grave mistake!!!

This is where you realize the apron strings must be cut! She is living her life and has mostly made OK choices. She lives on her own and if that is what she wants to do she is entitled to. I trust her and remind myself that we have instilled values in her that are lurking around in her head somewhere. That is the difference from having them under your roof to living under their own.

I hang up the phone and roll over to go to sleep all the while thinking "I hope she remembered to put deodorant on, check her teeth for food and not wear that ugly shirt that is so not flattering....who is going to do that for her now that she doesn't live with me???

Little Dogs and The Unicorn People......

WOW!!!! Is it ever hot out there!!! I can't imagine being a dog with fur all over. I wonder...do hairy men feel the same way? Is that kind of like the question of "if a tree falls in the woods...." Guess I will have to ask the next really hairy guy if he feels like a dog.

I have spoken with guys that shave their whole body to avoid looking like this! Come on....we have all wondered how it must be to be this hairy.....

Speaking of hair though...I was distracted for a moment but back to dogs...My daughter and I just took my Grandpuppy Banksy over to my friends house. He is out of town and we said we would check in on his puppy, Coda, during this weekend.

My daughter Monica is having surgery on Wednesday so she is off work for two months. She works at Starbucks and she can't have "unnatural" colored hair. She shows up the first day of her necessary vacation with Unicorn Hair. What is funnier is she pulls it off and it looks really good on her. So we are at my friends house getting Coda ready for a walk and Smitty walks in. First reaction is "hey there are people in my house" and second reaction is that one of those people is a unicorn too. Smitty is a musician and has a bright blue mohawk. It was meant to be....

I am all for freedom of expression when it comes to hair. I am a retired hairdresser and was known for always doing odd things to hair. I worked in a conservative salon but had people in my chair with tattoos, piercings and multiple colors in their hair. It was so much fun to watch the other ladies reactions to some of my clients. I feel like people should be able to express themselves somehow so why not with hair?! It grows back and you can always color over it. I will however state that there are some things that people should never do with hair. It is NEVER necessary to use a whole can of hairspray on your bangs. Given that we are in a very dry climate it is just asking for trouble being that combustible. Also one should always remember that people do look at the back of your hair. When spending so much time on curling the front, and making it look perfect, one must never neglect the back. It is the same with panty lines, lazy-boy chair part on the old ladies at the grocery and the woman who looks like she works on any corner....we have all thought of it.....doesn't anyone love them?

That being said....This guy takes the cake....Saw him out at my favorite music venue, The Sail Inn in Tempe, AZ, and he was wandering around having a great time. I was not only stunned by his bright red mullet that would make Joe Dirt jealous but the shirt was right off the pages of those internet "down south" pictures that randomly get sent to you via email...come on you all know what I am talking about....

Its Official....everything around me is old!!!

Including me!!!

This was for my last birthday in the thirties....I looked and felt young however I had just shed 200 pounds (ex-husband) so I was celebrating in Vegas. This birthday, four years later, marks even a more momentous year for me. There is no picture that was taken as the change has come from within.

For my forty third birthday I spent the day by the pool. My oldest daughter took me out to breakfast and my boyfriend made a scrumptious dinner of tenderloin and grilled sweet corn. The night before, my mother took us out to dinner and we slipped into food comas when we got home.
This served as a reminder that I am old now. The Friday before my birthday I am passed out on the couch before 9 - ON A FRIDAY! The night of my birthday, Boy goes to bed early because he has to get up for work at the crack of dawn. I became bored so I went to bed at 930...Sunday came and I decided I wanted to start with a fresh start. I CLEANED all day.

This is not your average clean....this was moving furniture clean and getting the baking soda and scrub brush out for the grout on the tile. First OLD thing....due to second OLD thing. Dog.

This is Sampson. He is 12 and has decided that he needs to make sure I remember how he smelled by pissing on everything before he dies. It is so annoying as he never really did it before. To top it off then there is Kenya...

She is 16 and will never die! She just makes sure that her horrid breath lingers after she leaves....she has always been the best dog but now even she doesn't want to be bothered by the dog door. So I feel like all I am doing is cleaning up old dog pee. I love them. I really do but when do you call it quits??? They are both super healthy but gosh....there is no real medical reason either...it is just because they are old. Well I hope that when I start wandering around the house and peeing that someone has the decency to take me out to the desert.

So my goal for 43 is to get fit, purge more boxes (3 yesterday & a full box of old office wear I will never wear again) and travel to one 3 day festival somewhere in the states. The getting fit I have a jump on thanks to the pool....speaking of.... I am off to do laps.

Totally saved a bird today!!!!

So baby birds are all over the place trying to learn how to fly.....
One falls into our backyard and the dog immediately starts to go for it.....
Baby bird bounces and flops right into the mop bucket of old Fabuloso water....
Boyfriend runs over and saves baby bird, brings him inside and washes him off, puts him in a towel and I place baby by my heart in the towel.
Baby closes eyes and calms breathing then I take baby out to lawn to let him go.....
Whole family comes and coaxes baby further and right before our eyes he is flying and in the tree.
It is a good day!!!!

You are the best mom.......

Compared to all my friends' moms....

This came out of my oldest daughter's mouth tonight.  It is funny how one never really appreciates something until they are forced to live without it.  So NOW I am the best mom because when she calls for some random reason she will ask what we are doing for dinner.  My reply will always be "Have you eaten?".  This is now our routine and I am ok with it for many reasons......of which I will share with you now~!

As I stated yesterday....you do not wake the angry sleep monster.  You must tiptoe around and panic if you make too much noise or she will wake and look at you with daggers in her eyes.

I don't know about you but that is a look I would not want to come across in an alley! So any little bit of acknowledgement I get from her is a sigh of relief that I will live to see another day!

Well now I have the other one back in Arizona after living, well barely making it, in North Hollywood.  Monica has always been my confidant.  She is always the one I turn to when I need help with the evil sister and together we have learned how to tame the beast.  When she left I was heartbroken and missed her terribly.

Mother's Day she flew out here to take me to a concert....you can see there is a mood difference alone but they are both amazing girls in their own ways....so she tells me that she is moving home.  On one hand I am thrilled but I also worried about her.....where would she go?  Why now and what about the boy she loved?

Tonight she comes over and sits with us for awhile just talking.  We never talked before she moved away.  She tells me that all her friends have moms that are annoying and bossy.  She tells me that after she talks about her parents they all want to meet us.  I guess we did something right in 17 years.....  

Well we still have a few things that need working on but the point is that maybe this is all the "MASTER PLAN"......

It is baby season where I live and there are these annoying little birds in all the trees chirping like an injured dog while the parents flit about above.  The other day I came out and there was a baby right outside the gate.....he was running around and flapping his wings.  When I approached he ran around the corner and was clawing up the wall to get back in the nest.  He scurried around for awhile and I instantly felt like I wanted to save him.  What I realized was that this is all part of nature.  We have to kick them out of the nest and hope they learn to fly. If we do it right, encourage them and listen when all we want to do is scream, unlike nature they return and have a newfound respect for our efforts.....

I know it's not my birthday.....

I know, I know....it isn't my birthday yet but this morning is just a perfect example of why this is going to be such an interesting year.  Brief synopsis of my situation to start out and NO it is not a sob story!

I am going to be 43 on June 25th.  I had been married for 17 years to a great guy that made a great dad.  (Happy Father's day by the way....I should text him but that is a whole other issue to write about...)  We split in 2007 and dealt with trying to raise two daughters through their high school years.  It was not the best time in my life but I somehow muddled through it.  Now, after some major bumpy roads, I think we have all finally leveled out and working on moving on with our lives.  What I didn't count on was to be so confused about who I was.  After the craziness of divorce, having to split up possessions and sort through 17 years of memories so that we each were left with some, you would think I would have some idea of why I chose this path.  I didn't and can say I still don't.

 I now have a new love in my life and he is wonderful but he can't understand why I have that nagging feeling like I am supposed to be doing something.  Does that feeling ever go away?  I sure hope so.....I remember the nights I would be so tired but I would not be able to fall asleep until both my girls were safe at home.  Well my youngest daughter, Heidi, has moved out recently and my older daughter, Monica, has been out of the house for two years.  When Monica moved out I had Heidi at home still but she was a free spirit and very social.  She always called me to tell me where she was going and when she would get home until she turned 18.  I admit that I still keep my phone by the bed but I am able to push all the bad thoughts from my head and sleep soundly now.

That being said I woke up this morning and think I must have really slept hard.  As I stumbled to the coffee pot I noticed Heidi's old door ajar.  As I peek in to the room, there is Heidi fast asleep on the futon with the fan blowing straight on her. I didn't hear her come in at all! She has a bed in her own room....in her own apartment!  Why is she here?  I don't wake her because anyone that knows my Heidi, knows that you should not wake the sleeping monster!  She is definitely not a morning person so I will be patient and wait to hear the next amazing adventure in the life of Heidi.  My guess is that she was working and didn't want to go home to some party.  I think when our kids move out, though they are telling you how confident they are and how excited they seem, once the magic wears off they miss the comforts of home.  I mean who wouldn't ever want to leave if mom takes care of you.  I think of the men that still live with their Moms at 50 and feel saddened for them.  While I know it is not my place to judge I do feel very strongly about the way we raise future adults.  Maybe that is what is wrong with this world and the instant gratification society... we are all just our parent's children and it can get blamed on them, like everything else we do wrong.....blame our parents!

 She did tell me the other day that she is realizing that a whole new roll of toilet paper just doesn't magically appear unless you go out and buy it.  At least it is a step in the right direction..... we shall see what drama entails once the sleepy monster has risen..... stay tuned!!!