Grief and a Stone Cold Heart

Grief is an amazing process and one that is not to be taken lightly.  We have all experienced it, in one form or another, and each person has their own coping skills, but it is an individual experience that cannot be compared.  Often times people have comments on grief where they try to find the silver lining in order to console the one grieving.  That may be useful to some but it most often is met with disdain and the feeling of being unsupported.  Nobody knows how they are going to react and lets be honest, who really wants to know this?!

My experience with grief has taken me on, what I can only describe as, a roller coaster ride.  I lost someone so very dear to me last year that I didn't think I could go on.  I wanted to die myself.  How would I continue to be able to wake up when he was asleep forever?  How did it happen that he is no longer here and what do I do now?  I found that I loved him more deeply that even I knew and the loss of him was enough to literally make my heart hurt.  Deep, resounding and profound pain in the core of my body that resulted in just not caring about anything.  I didn't care if I ate or slept.  I couldn't sleep.  I was numb and when I was like that, it really didn't matter what anyone said to me.  After a few months, with a very understanding and patient partner, I began to enter into the living world again.  I could sit in the sun on the patio and not cry for a good twenty minutes.  I was able to listen to music with joy and remember him fondly, with a smile on my face and light in my heart.

What surprised me about grief is that it is not meant to be understood or explained.  It is meant to be respected and when you are allowed to do so, at your own pace and without judgement, you can see the dim light at the end of the excruciatingly long tunnel.  To be surrounded by love, light and gently guided, reminded, of the living world at a pace that works for you, allows you to move in to the next stage of acceptance without regret.  Without feeling that you somehow disappointed the family, the loved ones, by not grieving enough.

The other thing I found to happen was I was able to see very clearly what my role was in the lives of others around me.  My friends that I thought would understand, didn't.  The friends I had not seen in a long time, were supportive by just touching base as they knew what he meant to me.  It tears people apart and it brings people back together.  My grief was mine and only mine.  I wrapped it around me like a security blanket and used it when I needed to cry.  The purpose of grief is to process the things that you hold dear in your heart and mind so that you can retain what you need and take the time to get used to the idea that what you are grieving, is no longer there.  It can manifest in all sorts of ways and each type is unique.  Whether it be the loss of a child, a parent, a relationship, a pet or just that really great sweater you meticulously kept since you were a child.  The point is that grief is an individual experience and there is no guide book.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no time limit and there is no cap to how you will feel.  What you need to remember is that it will get better.  It has to. 

The thing that got me through the last 3 years is the amazing support of my husband, the man that allowed me to grieve another man.  I was allowed to feel, at any time, what that song brought on, the pages in my diary that my mom brought over in a box and details the moment I met him, the silly stories and the unplanned breakdowns.  I was given grief as a gift of love and I was able to move through it and come out on the other end with newfound admiration of the people that shared it with me. 

Don't be sad it is over, be glad it happened!  Give it patience and it will treat you with love!