Wait and See mode....

There are hundreds of books that detail the specific relationship the author has with his or her dog. They are filled with anecdotes and funny memories of their beloved pet and detail the specific reasons as to why their dog was so special to them. I have to admit that I have a very hard time reading some of them. Yesterday I was reading the newest collection of stories, that I happened to stumble on in the $3.99 section of Barnes & Noble, and it covered the relationship that Dean Koontz had with his Golden Retriever "Trixie". I have to admit I opened it to see if it was suspenseful and mysterious but it was like all the others.

Our pets are like our children only they don't live as long. We bring them into our lives, homes and hearts and, in return, they bring us this amazing sense of peace. It is said that the blood pressure of a person that has a pet is much lower than that of a person without a pet. I agree. Just petting a dog slows the heartrate and calms the nerves. They are worth every penny you spend on them but it is the hardest thing to watch them age.

I have three dogs. Roxy is the youngest, at 8, and she is the nurse. She takes care of everyone and her sole purpose in life is to follow every move you make in case she might miss something. Most Boxers are like this but she is entertainment on four legs and has NEVER done anything wrong! Our 17 year old Jack Russell/Miniature Poodle mix, Kenya, is the same way and she is so dang smart that the kids taught her how to play dead. If they pointed their fingers at her, yelled "Bang, you're dead!" she would die accordingly. It was the greatest trick....I think of that every time I stand there hovering over her, watching for her chest to rise and fall. She is OLD~ All she does is eat, sleep and poop....and smell too. She is a smelly old dog. While she is terribly annoying as a ghost dog I do believe she will be missed in some way!

My beloved dog, Sam, is in the middle. This dog is the light of my life. He is obstreperous and bull headed, might be the Bulldog in him, and he rules the house. We cater to this dog and I am still not sure why. It may be that he demands it but I refuse to say I am ruled by my dog. If he wants to come in - He opens the door. If he feels you are not paying attention to him - he gets in your face and you cannot move his 100lb head anywhere else. You are forced to do his bidding and you do it willingly. There are the days that we forget to close the pantry door and he has spread the garbage all over the floor. There is drool 7ft up on the wall from his shaking his head and he has his own couch. A couch all to himself that, if another dog is on it, he simply has to put his head on the end and eventually the other dog will get down.

This powerhouse of a dog is pushing 13 years old and he still has every ounce of his personality. There are moments that he has trouble getting up from the floor. His back legs are less dependable than he is used to but he keeps going. He doesn't grace us with his presence until at least 9am, there are days he doesn't feel like going outside to pee and lately he hasn't had all that interest in eating. They say that your dog will tell you when he is ready to go and I believe that about this one.

I did have a friend that did Reiki on him a few years back. He was recovering from surgery and had a cancerous tumor taken off his leg. The vet said it would come back but age would get him before cancer did. I was devastated by the thought of losing my dog and my friend wanted to help. She put her hands on him and shook her head a lot as I tried to concentrate on not laughing. I am not saying that Reiki is weird but on my dog??? After awhile she began to tell me what she saw. She told me he wasn't ready either and that this was minor. She said there was so much love in him for me that it was touching. He isn't ready to leave yet but he is so sad that he didn't give you puppies. "Wait.... What????"

"He is sad that he didn't give me puppies???" I repeated with confusion. "Does that mean he is sad that he didn't have the opportunity to breed so I could have puppies or that he is sad that he didn't have puppies with ME?" I think that was a normal question considering what she had said.

This would be why I love this dog. I don't care what the answer was because it highlighted the personality of this dog. He is amazing and wonderful, quirky and goofy. He is an individual that lives with us in our house and to lose him would be so very sad. I will try to look at it as he is moving on to a better place, like the rest of my children, only I won't be able to visit him. I guess I didn't think about the fact that he may be empty nesting as well. His whole life has been about the girls and they are not here anymore. I wonder if he is sad and misses them? Whatever the reason for his recent slowing down I will be in "wait and see" mode. I am not ready to let him go so I hope he picks up on that. I know the end is coming and I think I will be ok with it because I know now that they never really leave you. You can write a book about them and then get Jennifer Aniston to act in the movie about your book. What a tale that would be.....

Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!

I get NO RESPECT

So lunch with Dad results in a job. Yeah for Dad! The funny thing is it was a no brainer so my concern is that she hasn't learned anything. Picture this.....

She had been working at a job, that her dad got her, since she was 14. She started out as a hostess and worked her butt off until she was cooking. It was a Thai restaurant and she was so engrained in the culture that she took directions in Thai. She even taught their cooking classes but it was like working for a family business....she took a lot of crap and was not treated with the respect any of us felt she should have. Fast forward to this other job that she got on her own as a supplement to her income and she worked both for awhile. She realized that she could enjoy her job and make some money so she quit the Thai restaurant. Then it all went south.

One of her big complaints was that they didn't respect her. Of course they didn't....she was used to being walked all over so she would do things for them and not have the guts to talk back. She would punch out and THEN do their bookwork for them. Can you say ILLEGAL??? I would try to tell her that she can't do that. I would say she needs to ask for more money at the Thai place and her excuse would be that they didn't make a lot but when she quit the owner said " I guess I should have given you a raise in the four years you worked her huh???". So here she is now with a job that her Dad has gotten her and I worry that the message will not get through.

The saving grace on this job is that she grew up in this bar....well not really but it is a restaurant/brewery and we spent a lot of time there. We were friends with the owners when they first opened up and have watched them grow and expand. It is a terrific opportunity for her and I would not be surprised if she ends up running the place but I still worry. At least she will have to be accountable this time. If she messes up it will get back to her Dad. She will have to keep in check with everything she does and that can only be good. I worry though that she won't have the ability to sell herself when, and if, she ever needed to. I can only hope that she will flourish here and her confidence will grow but at what cost. This would be that moment when you, as a parent that fights to believe that tough love can be necessary, step aside and wait for the other shoe to drop. I hate that feeling though and fight it. It is so self defeating to believe that your child can't do it without your help. We raised them to be confident and yet we step in and save the day. Is it for their benefit or ours? That is the hot question!

They say with addicts they have to want to make the change. They have to be the one to take that leap of faith and also hit rock bottom. A parent's worst fear is that bottom....will you know it when your child has hit it? How much can they take and how far can you push them until they snap? With all the suicides these days, the bullying, the not living up to your expectations, the denial of who they really are being juxtaposed to the person you try to turn them into. How do we find the balance to help them while nudging them out of the nest? It seems to be an ever evolving issue and daily can be a surprise. To her it is just a job and she is relieved and happy. To me it is a life vest thrown to her by her dad that could, at any moment, be retracted if she didn't position herself correctly. I am not so sure that it is the right thing and it makes me feel like I have no faith in my child. I guess I just need to sit back and watch the drama unfold. It may prove me wrong and I would be thrilled!

But could it be you......

Well she was fired!

Her first time being fired and over a $3.00 Chips and Salsa. At least that is what she thinks. She spoke of getting written up and didn't realize that the write up was actually her dismissal form. She signed it and thought she would resolve it the next day.

I remember the first time I was fired. I spent a week in bed so depressed and embarrassed. I just didn't know what the next step was but I eventually got out of bed, cleaned myself up and went off to find work.

The hardest part of this is to hear her talking about it as if she didn't do anything wrong. As a parent I tried to tiptoe around the issue while mentioning that it is a business and they don't typically fire people for nothing. She kept mentioning how disrespectful it was and I tried to reassure her that it wasn't about respect. It's not personal - it's business.

Then there are the constructive comments that I can't help myself from making. I can hear them come out of my mouth, and I know they will make her mad, but I feel like it should be said. I ask her if there might be a way that she could look at this as a learning experience. Is there something she can identify in herself, as an employee, that might need to change. She has had two jobs that she worked really hard at but always seems to have a prickly relationship. Does she take them for granted or is she oblivious to flaws she may have as an employee. What concerns me is the comments about being disrespected. It is so hard but I know this is a journey that she needs to take on her own. It is hard to watch her suffer but I need to let her do this on her own. She needs to figure this one out and make her steps to improve how she is as an employee and maybe her view of life will improve as well. It is the best thing for her and yet I will have to bite my tongue and let her make her mistakes. I just didn't expect it to be so painful for me. It kills me to not just step up and give her rent money while yelling at them for losing their best employee....but I guess she wasn't the best or she wouldn't have been fired.

Another day, another dilemna.

Just call me James......

So what is the magic that transforms a person into a slave to their kids? I get the whole carpool thing with school age kids, taking them to and from practice or lessons, but I never enjoyed it. I always got that feeling that I was being used for my car. I know that sounds so selfish but it was true. My mom never took me anywhere. If I wanted to go over to a friends house I would ride my bike. I remember being only nine and taking a bus with my friend, Nikki, to Sacramento to go to Macy's. That was 45 minutes away and in another city. I just knew that my parents worked and it was not convenient. I swore that when I became a parent I would always take them where they needed to go. I made a vow to be the mom that I always wanted but never asked for. And then I had kids.

I became a hairdresser so that I would have the flexibility to be there for my girls. My youngest had gymnastics twice a week and my oldest had a best friend that lived 20 minutes away. The only thing was that we lived within walking distance of the school. I still saw parents, that lived on our street, get in the car every morning to take them to school while I sent mine off, watched them walk to the corner, turn to me and wave as I waved back. They share stories of how my oldest would make her little sister walk on the other side of the street when she was mad at her. They would walk almost a city mile to the 7-eleven for doughnuts and slurpees. They had a good childhood and nothing bad happened. I felt like I had raised girls that were self sufficient and confident.

What turns an intelligent, creative female into a blithering idiot that comes when called? When your child calls you and you can't understand them, she is inconsolable and her voice is quivering, and you barely make out "just come get me" I grab my keys and am out the door. I forget about the fact that I am at a friends house, that I never get to see, and watching a movie with her and her son. I go and pick her up only to have her complain about how mad she is about something at work and can I just take her home. My natural parental instinct is to fix this. I would really love to just march right into her work and tell the manager off for not appreciating the amazing worker he has in her but I can't do that. Instead I am told that I really don't understand and never will. I get snapped at, pull up to her house and she gets out. No "thanks mom". No sitting in the car and talking about it. Just the sound of the door shutting and she is gone.

So my question is this.... when do you know it is time to say NO! When do you take that leap of faith and know that you cannot solve their problems but they will be fine. How do you turn that off so that you can sleep or eat or take time for yourself. To be selfish and tell her "I can't come get you honey. I am out with friends"? It is killing me that I don't know what to say to make it alright while not getting yelled at. When did I become this person and how do I change it? The funny thing is that everyone has something great to say but they are not here dealing with it. So wouldn't that be the same thing as her saying I don't understand.....

Yearning for the carefree non-child thought process......

So one of the side effects of not having kids to deal with on a daily basis is that I don't know what to do with all my time. I have all these things I would love to do but so few things I actually delve into. I wonder why that is and the only thing I can think of is that I have this thought in the back of my head that I will be interrupted.

How do you stop that? How do you inspire yourself to just start something? Anything! How do you turn the switch off that works that part of the brain where you doubt your abilities, your talents or your dreams? I am jealous of the people that can get up in the morning and get right back into something they left the night before. It is so hard to get moving on something when my brain is programmed for short spurts of time.

When my kids were small I knew I had a few hours before one would come home from preschool. These moments were used up by laundry and grocery shopping. Then there were the moments where you were finally able to do something for yourself and, thanks to cell phones, you would get a call and have to leave to pick up a kid or solve the world's problems. It is almost like the instant gratification that kids need these days but in reverse. You eventually give up and choose not to do something just in case you have a crisis and have to leave that. I wonder why that is and how to go back to carefree non-child moments. I guess I just have to start with slow spurts of creativity and hope for the best. Once I get into doing something often I can't put it down. My problem is finishing things. Whether it is an issue with not wanting it to end or fear of not being able to start something new....maybe it is the things I choose to do take longer than I originally expected. I am not sure. All I know is that I have so many projects that I start, even more that I have on a list of things to do but not enough finished. Again I feel it may be the result of knowing I have short spurts of time that allow me to have something to work on. That being said my goal for this time I have is to just work on something. Anything. If I am working on it then I feel inspired. I never thought I would have trouble getting inspired to do something but kids do that to you. Life can do that to you. We are all so busy and our schedules are so full that we don't allow ourselves the time to nurture our souls desires. If we don't do it now when will we?

Funny thing happened when I went to my reunion.....

So imagine this....23 years after I dated a cute guy my senior year of high school I meet him on Facebook and live with him now. We just returned from our 25th High School Reunion in Iowa. We had a blast and I saw some faces I was sure I would never see. There were the cheerleaders that I pegged for horrible beings then and were so sweet now. There was my very outgoing and borderline obnoxious best friend that is so quiet and passive now and then there was my Todd. I love this man and will love him until the day I die. He was my confidante and shoulder to cry on. He was my fashion guru then and continued to be so now. There is never a conversation between us that is less than two hours or where I don't end up clutching my sides in pain. He is the person that knows everyone and is loved by so many.

The side effect of dating this cute boy is that I dated his friend in high school. It is so funny how people now think that once you have dated someone you will care about who they are dating 25 years later or that they have some unknown grudge against you. Really??? I think the beauty of aging is that we learn that things just aren't so important that you need to go and stir up some shit to make your life more interesting. I am sorry....I have more drama and stress in my life from just my job I don't think that I can handle anymore. That being said this is the first visit that these boys have not seen each other at all. AT ALL! Now if you know that they always see each other when one comes home, and then you are new to the mix and they don't see each other......wouldn't you think it was you?

I felt awful that my cute boy didn't get to see his friend. I kept telling him to go and see him and have boy time. I reminded him that we live together and see each other all the time and it was fine...I don't blame him for being a bit weirded out if he was at all..... All I know is that it didn't happen. It is a terrible feeling to think that you are keeping people apart and then to have someone jump in and throw ideas around as to why this did not happen. I guess it doesn't really matter in the long run but boy did I get reminded of how high school was and why I am sooooo glad that I don't have to deal with it. It was a small taste of the past that left me thankful for my cute boy and the life I have created now. And to the boy I dated then....please....get over yourself and call your friend that misses you!