Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!