Wait and See mode....

There are hundreds of books that detail the specific relationship the author has with his or her dog. They are filled with anecdotes and funny memories of their beloved pet and detail the specific reasons as to why their dog was so special to them. I have to admit that I have a very hard time reading some of them. Yesterday I was reading the newest collection of stories, that I happened to stumble on in the $3.99 section of Barnes & Noble, and it covered the relationship that Dean Koontz had with his Golden Retriever "Trixie". I have to admit I opened it to see if it was suspenseful and mysterious but it was like all the others.

Our pets are like our children only they don't live as long. We bring them into our lives, homes and hearts and, in return, they bring us this amazing sense of peace. It is said that the blood pressure of a person that has a pet is much lower than that of a person without a pet. I agree. Just petting a dog slows the heartrate and calms the nerves. They are worth every penny you spend on them but it is the hardest thing to watch them age.

I have three dogs. Roxy is the youngest, at 8, and she is the nurse. She takes care of everyone and her sole purpose in life is to follow every move you make in case she might miss something. Most Boxers are like this but she is entertainment on four legs and has NEVER done anything wrong! Our 17 year old Jack Russell/Miniature Poodle mix, Kenya, is the same way and she is so dang smart that the kids taught her how to play dead. If they pointed their fingers at her, yelled "Bang, you're dead!" she would die accordingly. It was the greatest trick....I think of that every time I stand there hovering over her, watching for her chest to rise and fall. She is OLD~ All she does is eat, sleep and poop....and smell too. She is a smelly old dog. While she is terribly annoying as a ghost dog I do believe she will be missed in some way!

My beloved dog, Sam, is in the middle. This dog is the light of my life. He is obstreperous and bull headed, might be the Bulldog in him, and he rules the house. We cater to this dog and I am still not sure why. It may be that he demands it but I refuse to say I am ruled by my dog. If he wants to come in - He opens the door. If he feels you are not paying attention to him - he gets in your face and you cannot move his 100lb head anywhere else. You are forced to do his bidding and you do it willingly. There are the days that we forget to close the pantry door and he has spread the garbage all over the floor. There is drool 7ft up on the wall from his shaking his head and he has his own couch. A couch all to himself that, if another dog is on it, he simply has to put his head on the end and eventually the other dog will get down.

This powerhouse of a dog is pushing 13 years old and he still has every ounce of his personality. There are moments that he has trouble getting up from the floor. His back legs are less dependable than he is used to but he keeps going. He doesn't grace us with his presence until at least 9am, there are days he doesn't feel like going outside to pee and lately he hasn't had all that interest in eating. They say that your dog will tell you when he is ready to go and I believe that about this one.

I did have a friend that did Reiki on him a few years back. He was recovering from surgery and had a cancerous tumor taken off his leg. The vet said it would come back but age would get him before cancer did. I was devastated by the thought of losing my dog and my friend wanted to help. She put her hands on him and shook her head a lot as I tried to concentrate on not laughing. I am not saying that Reiki is weird but on my dog??? After awhile she began to tell me what she saw. She told me he wasn't ready either and that this was minor. She said there was so much love in him for me that it was touching. He isn't ready to leave yet but he is so sad that he didn't give you puppies. "Wait.... What????"

"He is sad that he didn't give me puppies???" I repeated with confusion. "Does that mean he is sad that he didn't have the opportunity to breed so I could have puppies or that he is sad that he didn't have puppies with ME?" I think that was a normal question considering what she had said.

This would be why I love this dog. I don't care what the answer was because it highlighted the personality of this dog. He is amazing and wonderful, quirky and goofy. He is an individual that lives with us in our house and to lose him would be so very sad. I will try to look at it as he is moving on to a better place, like the rest of my children, only I won't be able to visit him. I guess I didn't think about the fact that he may be empty nesting as well. His whole life has been about the girls and they are not here anymore. I wonder if he is sad and misses them? Whatever the reason for his recent slowing down I will be in "wait and see" mode. I am not ready to let him go so I hope he picks up on that. I know the end is coming and I think I will be ok with it because I know now that they never really leave you. You can write a book about them and then get Jennifer Aniston to act in the movie about your book. What a tale that would be.....

Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!

I get NO RESPECT

So lunch with Dad results in a job. Yeah for Dad! The funny thing is it was a no brainer so my concern is that she hasn't learned anything. Picture this.....

She had been working at a job, that her dad got her, since she was 14. She started out as a hostess and worked her butt off until she was cooking. It was a Thai restaurant and she was so engrained in the culture that she took directions in Thai. She even taught their cooking classes but it was like working for a family business....she took a lot of crap and was not treated with the respect any of us felt she should have. Fast forward to this other job that she got on her own as a supplement to her income and she worked both for awhile. She realized that she could enjoy her job and make some money so she quit the Thai restaurant. Then it all went south.

One of her big complaints was that they didn't respect her. Of course they didn't....she was used to being walked all over so she would do things for them and not have the guts to talk back. She would punch out and THEN do their bookwork for them. Can you say ILLEGAL??? I would try to tell her that she can't do that. I would say she needs to ask for more money at the Thai place and her excuse would be that they didn't make a lot but when she quit the owner said " I guess I should have given you a raise in the four years you worked her huh???". So here she is now with a job that her Dad has gotten her and I worry that the message will not get through.

The saving grace on this job is that she grew up in this bar....well not really but it is a restaurant/brewery and we spent a lot of time there. We were friends with the owners when they first opened up and have watched them grow and expand. It is a terrific opportunity for her and I would not be surprised if she ends up running the place but I still worry. At least she will have to be accountable this time. If she messes up it will get back to her Dad. She will have to keep in check with everything she does and that can only be good. I worry though that she won't have the ability to sell herself when, and if, she ever needed to. I can only hope that she will flourish here and her confidence will grow but at what cost. This would be that moment when you, as a parent that fights to believe that tough love can be necessary, step aside and wait for the other shoe to drop. I hate that feeling though and fight it. It is so self defeating to believe that your child can't do it without your help. We raised them to be confident and yet we step in and save the day. Is it for their benefit or ours? That is the hot question!

They say with addicts they have to want to make the change. They have to be the one to take that leap of faith and also hit rock bottom. A parent's worst fear is that bottom....will you know it when your child has hit it? How much can they take and how far can you push them until they snap? With all the suicides these days, the bullying, the not living up to your expectations, the denial of who they really are being juxtaposed to the person you try to turn them into. How do we find the balance to help them while nudging them out of the nest? It seems to be an ever evolving issue and daily can be a surprise. To her it is just a job and she is relieved and happy. To me it is a life vest thrown to her by her dad that could, at any moment, be retracted if she didn't position herself correctly. I am not so sure that it is the right thing and it makes me feel like I have no faith in my child. I guess I just need to sit back and watch the drama unfold. It may prove me wrong and I would be thrilled!