so time does get away from you when you are trying to blog.... I don't know how some people do it.  I try to write and always seem to get distracted in the middle of it.  I am taking an actual class at the local college and then doing two advanced, or accelerated classes, and there is so much writing in those that by the time I find a minute to write my brain is fried.  Mornings can be best but I am still trying to figure that out.  Life does have a way of taking over and you learn to use what time you have to put laundry in, do dishes and homework.  I am just so over extended that this blog becomes the last thing on my mind.  I guess it is true that you will find things to do whether you are really looking for them or not.  Maybe it should be a New Years resolution to sit with my coffee and blog until my coffee is gone.  We will see.  What I do know is that no matter how "moved out" you kids are....they still return back with needs, wants, help and memories.  Customs like the holidays are the time that you see that they are still your babies and whatever customs, traditions and rituals you have managed to repeat every year that are associated with a holiday become the thing they look forward to.  Those are the moments that bring them back and I say work them.  Use them to build new traditions with your adult kids.

Going Home....

It's so true what they say about you can never really go home!  Not the home you remember.  Not the place you hold so dear in your heart because it always changes.  I recently took my mother home to Oregon to meet her first Great Grandson, Jackson.  It was a truly eye opening experience in many ways but the most obvious one is that she had not flown on a plane for over 12 years.  That is before 9/11 so it was a bit of a shock.

She did not understand the security requirements and was overly nervous about making sure she had followed all the rules.  In turn she ended up being argumentative with the security people, pointed out things that did not matter and it resulted in a long flight.  The blessing of the trip was not only to see family but for family to see her as she is now, post Cancer that has aged her dramatically and requires more attention on my part.  It is easy to complain about your predicament in life, that you didn't expect to be a caretaker for an aging parent when you are so young, or that you didn't ask for the job, but it is truly another experience to have others see it all for themselves.  I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted because they now understand when I am tired, frustrated or just plain feeling sorry for myself.  It is not an easy task and requires an extreme amount of patience mixed in with some tolerance and acceptance.  It is not quite the best cocktail but it is what I dose up on in order to be around her.
She gets up at least six times a night to go to the bathroom, she snores very loudly but will never admit to it, she is obsessed with the next meal and when we are having it and continues to refuse to wear her hearing aids so everything you say has to be repeated at a higher volume.  Now I feel vindicated because before I was told that I treated her like a child and was mean to her.  This is so far from the truth but I can see where people might think that.  You have to approach an aging parent in the same way you would a toddler some days.  You have to remind them of things, like did they remember their pills or do they need to use the restroom before we leave.  You have to listen and choose what you tune out because sometimes they just need to talk; almost as if they are regurgitating information to test whether their memory is still in tact.  I listen to my mother read out loud every ad in the paper, all the articles that only she finds interesting and I choose to respond only when I have the time to go into a lengthy debate about how she feels about whatever new situation is up.  I did enjoy listening to her stories as we drove around, where someone lived, what they did and how she knew them.  Again it was as if she was testing her memory to check for accuracy but I could not point out errors as I didn't have a clue about who she was talking about.

In exchange for this I have my mother, quirks and all, for many more years and I would not trade it for the world.  I will take all the annoyances, and the abuse from others on how I deal with it, because they are not here doing it however I now do not feel as alone in it.  I now have people that have seen it in person and I am able to speak about with them when things get frustrating.  Oddly enough that makes all the difference.

It's my Mom scent.....

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted but life has a way of taking over.  The odd thing is that I started this blog to deal with my lack of activities due to the absence of my parental duties but I have managed to fill my time.  It seems that the original concern was finding something to do but now my worries are which ones do I focus on and how do I balance my time now?  The sleeping creative being has been awakened and I am flooded with ideas and interests.  Now I can't decide on which interest to commit my time to and find myself floundering.....

I have been interested in crafts for as long as I can remember but lately I have discovered quilting.  The simple creative process of selecting fabric is so relaxing that I am surprised by it.  I remember as a child my mother was, for lack of a better term, a fabric Tupperware dealer.  She sold fabric in our house, a process that was so similar to Tupperware, and I believe it was this select club that exposed me to the magic of fabric.  I loved the act of thumbing through the small swatches of fabric, carefully glued on cards and placed in boxes by category.  Women would come in droves to our living room and spend hours carefully selecting their fabric.  They would fill their order forms and weeks later pick them up.  After the sale closed my mother would let me rip off the sample swatches and I was given these little pieces of fabric to do with as I pleased.  I would make doll clothes, sew pieces together and cherish them.  Little did I know that this was the onset of my love for fabric.

Having idle time on my hands has allowed me to rediscover this love and I find myself quilting intricate patterns and dreaming of colored fabrics in all different designs.  It is relaxing and comforting to be surrounded by fabric.  The satisfaction I feel when I complete a project is outweighed by the thrill of finding my next project.  I had always stated that I did not sew but I now know this statement was limited to sewing clothing.  Following a pattern was never my strength so quilting fills that void.  There are no rules and patterns can be adjusted, tweaked and made-up.  A grand accomplishment for a person who "doesn't sew".   I suggest that everyone learn how to quilt even the most basic of quilting patterns and discover what I am talking about.  There is a sheer joy in using your hands and the stress you avoid is worth it.  Forget about the fact that I haven't heard from my girls for a few weeks yet I know they are fine, I am content to be sitting in from of my vintage Pfaff machine, carefully stitching my most recent design together, and waiting until the time when they will need me for their next catastrophe......I did see my youngest today and when I hugged her she stated that I smelled good.

I told her it was my Mom scent and it would be here when she needed it....quilting!

Let the Twisted Prevail!!!!

So I am taking a Children's Literature class at the local college and I love it....so far. I am sitting in a classroom and realizing that I could mother to almost all of them, except for one other student and the teacher, and slowly see that this is a class that must be required for elementary education. They are all budding teachers and my stomach drops because I am there to learn about children's lit. I want to write kids books but the teacher keeps referencing classroom strategies and what you can do with this in the classroom.... I am feeling very out of place and then I had an ah-ha moment. I decided to heck with all of them...I am here to get what I need from this class and they can like it or not. I don't care. This would be a very good example of a person who goes into a situation with a preconceived impression. This is not that classroom anymore. We were all to do a presentation on our favorite book for kids and I was torn. Should I go safe and be fake or should I be myself and risk the looks? It brought back memories of when I was a young mom and trying to find common interests with the other moms. I didn't fit in to begin with because I worked full time so I couldn't be there all the time for them. That was the first thing but then my point of view was different on rules and what my girls could do. I had decided that everything was ok and I would address what they weren't allowed to do if it created a problem. I guess this was not a normal way of raising a kid but I didn't want to be the rule monger. I didn't want to be the parent that controlled their child but instead wanted them to develop as they needed to....of course with gentle nudging in certain directions. They were, in turn, the children that were always allowed over at friends houses, invited to go on trips and sleepovers but other kids were not allowed at my house. I thought this was not fair....you see my girls and how they are...what makes you think that they are different at home? I felt dejected and defeated and finally gave up. I never did have the friendships I desired, the one where you raise your kids together and watch them grow while you sit and drink coffee and gossip. That was not in the cards for me but now I see that it wasn't supposed to be. Everyone has a life that they are to live. With that life they are supposed to learn, grow and hopefully teach one other person that it is ok to be different. It is normal to not be like everyone else and to be different, while it may be risky, it will work for you in the end. You just have to grow into the person that you are and it may take years before you get there. I am so glad that I risked the looks because it ended up working in my favor. I got up before the class, explained that I had gifted kids and was challenged early on to find age appropriate material that was for an advanced reader. I shared how our family had a dry and witty sense of humor and often it was dark and then I pulled out "There's a Hair in my Dirt" by Gary Larson of the Far Side fame. It was a total hit and right on the money. For the first time I felt like I wasn't a freak and didn't have to second guess my actions. I detailed how the book had one side of the page as cute and happy and then on the other side of the page it was sarcastic but educational with details about nature and facts that could be shared. In the end the teacher stopped and explained to the class that this is a big challenge for teachers and there is a need for higher level reading with kid themes. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Bitches Mannnn.......

One of the beautiful features of being older should be knowing what you want and being able to voice your opinion. I voice mine often and, while most times the outcome is positive, there are times that I offend on accident. I would have to say that it is because people are just too damn sensitive. I don't really want to live in a world where I have to worry about every little thing I say or do for fear that I may hurt someone's feelings or say the wrong thing. I have often said that I don't make a good friend to girls because I will not lie to them. I don't believe a friendship should be built on false words and you can never really trust a friend until you don't second guess yourself when you have spoken the truth. Women always have to put their two cents into a conversation, yes I am guilty as charged, but men speak the truth until a woman gets a hold of them. Women highly undervalue men and what they have to offer. Men are happy with silence. Women have to fill it with noise. You can walk with a man and not say a word while being content but a woman has to talk about her day and who said what to whom. I wonder why that is? We say that men are dumb and can't do anything right but I think it is women that just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and just enjoying the moment. Sit back and observe then when someone says something that intrigues you...you share your thoughts and then sit back. It is genius. No wonder women accuse men of never listening...they don't know what is important enough to listen to if there is a constant jumble of words.

That being said I hate women who trap men into believing they deserve the crappy treatment they are getting. I have a front row ticket to the show and it is just sickening what a woman can do to a man if she has the mind to. I spent the better part of my day supporting my friend and taping up his broken heart because SHE can't take care of her shit! She feels that he is not being supportive of her by neglecting to offer her money. Why? Three months of dating means that they are supposed to just hand over cash cuz you ask them to? And why is it such a bad thing for him to have said no based on that fact? He has been condemned to suffer the texting wrath of a crazy bitch who can't pay her own way in life. It is so sad! One bad seed ruins it for so many....

I told him that to be a unit you have to each be individuals first and that means paying your way in life. If you start into a relationship simply because you think your money worries will go away then what does that say about you as a person? Wouldn't you much rather enjoy knowing that you have got your own back and when things get tough, while they may really suck, you will at least muddle through? I think so! This girl does.

I remember a time, not so long ago, where my love moved her for me and didn't find work for almost a year. While I understood his situation, and worked very hard to not stress him out, it was a difficult transition but he still contributed in so many other ways. There may have been a time where I wished I didn't have work so hard (full time job, part time job for insurance and school 3/4 time) but I always knew I had support from him. I knew that he would do the same for me if I was in his shoes and it made it easier to handle. We joked about his being my wife due to his mad domestic skills but I always knew the limit. I imagined that it must be hard for him not to be able to help the way he wanted and kept the lines of communication open. We had some fights but we made it through it fine. Now he is employed and doing well but we are still on that equal level when it comes to contributing to the life we are building together. I have always said you can't be a we until you are a whole person first. Any other way just brings chaos to the table and heads will start to roll. Then the blame game starts and noone likes that game!

Wait and See mode....

There are hundreds of books that detail the specific relationship the author has with his or her dog. They are filled with anecdotes and funny memories of their beloved pet and detail the specific reasons as to why their dog was so special to them. I have to admit that I have a very hard time reading some of them. Yesterday I was reading the newest collection of stories, that I happened to stumble on in the $3.99 section of Barnes & Noble, and it covered the relationship that Dean Koontz had with his Golden Retriever "Trixie". I have to admit I opened it to see if it was suspenseful and mysterious but it was like all the others.

Our pets are like our children only they don't live as long. We bring them into our lives, homes and hearts and, in return, they bring us this amazing sense of peace. It is said that the blood pressure of a person that has a pet is much lower than that of a person without a pet. I agree. Just petting a dog slows the heartrate and calms the nerves. They are worth every penny you spend on them but it is the hardest thing to watch them age.

I have three dogs. Roxy is the youngest, at 8, and she is the nurse. She takes care of everyone and her sole purpose in life is to follow every move you make in case she might miss something. Most Boxers are like this but she is entertainment on four legs and has NEVER done anything wrong! Our 17 year old Jack Russell/Miniature Poodle mix, Kenya, is the same way and she is so dang smart that the kids taught her how to play dead. If they pointed their fingers at her, yelled "Bang, you're dead!" she would die accordingly. It was the greatest trick....I think of that every time I stand there hovering over her, watching for her chest to rise and fall. She is OLD~ All she does is eat, sleep and poop....and smell too. She is a smelly old dog. While she is terribly annoying as a ghost dog I do believe she will be missed in some way!

My beloved dog, Sam, is in the middle. This dog is the light of my life. He is obstreperous and bull headed, might be the Bulldog in him, and he rules the house. We cater to this dog and I am still not sure why. It may be that he demands it but I refuse to say I am ruled by my dog. If he wants to come in - He opens the door. If he feels you are not paying attention to him - he gets in your face and you cannot move his 100lb head anywhere else. You are forced to do his bidding and you do it willingly. There are the days that we forget to close the pantry door and he has spread the garbage all over the floor. There is drool 7ft up on the wall from his shaking his head and he has his own couch. A couch all to himself that, if another dog is on it, he simply has to put his head on the end and eventually the other dog will get down.

This powerhouse of a dog is pushing 13 years old and he still has every ounce of his personality. There are moments that he has trouble getting up from the floor. His back legs are less dependable than he is used to but he keeps going. He doesn't grace us with his presence until at least 9am, there are days he doesn't feel like going outside to pee and lately he hasn't had all that interest in eating. They say that your dog will tell you when he is ready to go and I believe that about this one.

I did have a friend that did Reiki on him a few years back. He was recovering from surgery and had a cancerous tumor taken off his leg. The vet said it would come back but age would get him before cancer did. I was devastated by the thought of losing my dog and my friend wanted to help. She put her hands on him and shook her head a lot as I tried to concentrate on not laughing. I am not saying that Reiki is weird but on my dog??? After awhile she began to tell me what she saw. She told me he wasn't ready either and that this was minor. She said there was so much love in him for me that it was touching. He isn't ready to leave yet but he is so sad that he didn't give you puppies. "Wait.... What????"

"He is sad that he didn't give me puppies???" I repeated with confusion. "Does that mean he is sad that he didn't have the opportunity to breed so I could have puppies or that he is sad that he didn't have puppies with ME?" I think that was a normal question considering what she had said.

This would be why I love this dog. I don't care what the answer was because it highlighted the personality of this dog. He is amazing and wonderful, quirky and goofy. He is an individual that lives with us in our house and to lose him would be so very sad. I will try to look at it as he is moving on to a better place, like the rest of my children, only I won't be able to visit him. I guess I didn't think about the fact that he may be empty nesting as well. His whole life has been about the girls and they are not here anymore. I wonder if he is sad and misses them? Whatever the reason for his recent slowing down I will be in "wait and see" mode. I am not ready to let him go so I hope he picks up on that. I know the end is coming and I think I will be ok with it because I know now that they never really leave you. You can write a book about them and then get Jennifer Aniston to act in the movie about your book. What a tale that would be.....

Expected Acceptable Behavior.....

One of the things I did not expect during this year of rediscovering who I am....who I want to be....is realizing that there is a person that I need to be as well. I love my mother! Everyone loves my mother but there are only two people that grew up with her and while she provided for us, made sure that we were clothed and educated there were many things that she did not do. The things that she did not do for me are different than the things that she did not do for my sister. I agree that everyone is going to have issues with how they were raised, and what they might have done differently if we were the parents of ourselves, but sometimes no matter how hard we try there is damage. That being said it is an entirely different experience to look at the habits and behaviors of your parent and to suddenly realize that they are flawed.

Part of the goal for this year has to do with finding my voice and learning how to control it, manipulate it and use it to better myself and grow from my experiences. I am learning it is a lot easier to state than it is to accomplish. There are days that I feel like I am choking on words I don't have the guts to say but then there are the days that I use my voice and everyone gets mad at me for speaking my mind. Why is it not ok to take a stand with your parents and tell them NO. No, I am not going to be able to do this. No, I am not going to cancel my life so that I can be at your beckon call. NO, if you need that done then you should ask a nurse to do that for you!

One of the things I am realizing from this empty nest stage of my life is that I am enjoying, for the most part, watching my girls form and mold their lives. I love to hear about their experiences, some more than others, and it makes me happy that they are carefree and living a joyful and full life. I don't think about the fact that they haven't called me in a few days or that they went and did something fun without including me. That is what a parent is supposed to do. This was our goal right? To push them out of the nest and they are not expected to come back. If they choose to come back then that is great but I don't expect it. I don't expect them to worry about me and if I am doing ok because they are not supposed to. This means I did my job right. So what do you say to your parent because they didn't do theirs? What do you say to them so they understand that it is not that we don't want them in our lives....it is normal and well balanced to be separated? To be independent of them? What do you tell them when their interpretation of boundaries is demands on you?

I told her I had boundaries and she said she did too.....there are certain things she expects of me...... it is like my whole childhood flashed before me in an instant and I realized it was all over the misundertanding of definition of "BOUNDARIES". One word. That is all that really stands between me and sanity....

Boundaries Definition: The emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental health. the greatest possible degree of something; "what he did was beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior"; "to the limit of his ability"

I would say that performing a certain act for my mother was something that a nurse should be doing and I had reached my limit of what was "expected acceptable behavior". So why do I feel like the worst daughter in the world? What is it about our mothers that make us feel we are not doing enough, not being enough and not giving enough of ourselves. I guess from their generation it may be expected to take care of your aging parents. In other cultures it is a sign of honor and respect to take care of your family. What changed? I wish there was a pill I could take that would switch how I feel about it but I can't help but feel that I will be doing this for the next forty years. So this is what empty nesting has brought me.....I am no longer taking care of my children but now I am required to take care of my mom. I guess I should be thankful that I have the time and the flexibility in my job. It could be worse I guess but I don't really like comparing my life to other people's misery to make myself feel better. I need to just focus on the fact that she is healthy and slowly learn to use my voice. One always says it is easier said than done....I am going to promise myself to make sure that I speak up when I feel like she is trying to guilt me into doing something....I think that should be the new expected acceptable behavior for me!

Easier said than done!!