What Now?

When you have young kids you yearn for a moment where all you can hear is the sound of your own breathing.  Your heart beating and, if you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself sitting on a beach with the wind blowing on your face while the waves crash in the distance.  You feel yourself going to that place and then your peaceful moment is pierced with a "MOM tell her to give me back my toy!".  You are quickly brought back into your space that if filled with children and Spongebob theme songs.  Life suddenly becomes about dinner and homework while the ever present longing exists just under the surface of your skin.

Don't misunderstand me....  I love being a mom.  I love everything about it and do not regret a single decision that was made when cancelling plans due to colds and fevers.  Those moments are stitched in to the crazy quilt that is my family and I cherish each thread that pieced it together.  What baffles me, more and more as my children grow, is that I have somehow lost that person that I started to develop before I became the end all-be all to two amazing daughters.  I find that I am left with fragments of a person I once knew and, like an intricate puzzle, requires attention in a time when technology is available with instant gratification.  The problem that I face is that this new technology is unfamiliar to me.  It leaves me inpatient and frustrated because it should be easy to find interests post children.  It shouldn't be this hard to socialize or get out of the house, to go somewhere that nurtures your desire to interact with like minded people and have some fun.

Your children are what binds you to other adults.  They give you an instant subject to discuss and break that wall down that adults these days now have.  The awkward ice breakers are not necessary once you find that you are interacting with someone that understands.  Someone that has kids.  In a world where your voice is computerized through a post or a text, where do we find those moments where you can have an actual conversation face to face?  Do you plan a dinner party by physically inviting people over or do you post an event and hope that people don't say "Maybe" they will attend because, let's face it, maybe means they don't want to decline but are not committed enough to say they are attending.  I don't know how to create an environment that nourishes the gypsy soul inside me.  The one that loves to sit and have an intimate conversation that includes updates on their lives, what they did the weekend prior or where they want to go for vacation.  Drinking a bottle of good wine while sharing these small moments in your friends' lives over a good meal is something to strive for.
That being said, I resolve myself to nurture the inner gypsy in me, to learn how to let my guard down and not takes things so seriously, to remember that I have created two amazing people that are lovely to be around and make up the best parts of my life.  I am a mom and I am proud of that.  Maybe being a mom is similar to being a gypsy.  We adapt, we learn how to make the most of the little things and have an abundance of love to share.  Isn't that what life is about?!  I heard somewhere that sometimes the brightest lights come from the darkest places.
 I aim to fill my life with twinkling lights and remind myself that darkness is not something to be afraid of, that it only serves as a blank canvas to bring more color into your life!