Technology Smechnology

It's official... I am technologically inept.  I watch the commercials of the new toys for toddlers that include the interaction with your IPhone and think back to when I had toddlers.  I didn't have an IPhone.  I didn't even have a cell phone back then and that was only twenty two years ago.  I just don't understand this age of communicating via Tweet, Texting and I'Ming and often think what life would be like without it.  Would we have the unemployment rate that we do now?  Would there be confused kids, at thirty, unable to make a decision and stick to it because they were raised in the "Instant Gratification" age where we text when we drive to prevent missing a moment of life's happenings.  The funny thing is that we have those looks from our children, you know the one where they roll their eyes and huff, about how "stupid" their parents are, yet they don't realize that we should be looked at as pioneers.  We managed to have full lives without all the technology.  We took time to sit in a coffee shop and visit with our friends.  We wrote letters and received letters back.  We got upset when we didn't make it home in time to watch our favorite shows.  Anyone can sit and come up with a number of ways that life, as we knew it, has changed due to technology and it is not that different from the experience of the first television or microwave oven.  The act of directing someone as they adjust the "rabbit ears" in order to get the picture clearer is something that is lost to this generation.

I still believe that my life would be fine without a lot of the items that most can't live without but I am thankful of one thing and find that I am learning to appreciate technology in a way I never imagined.  I love Skype!  Yes, I said it!!  I love being able to see the face that I am talking to from far away and am so thankful that I can do it, but at what cost?  

I remember the futuristic image of Cosmo G. Spacely, with steam coming out of his ears, as he yelled at George Jetson from the screen of a TV. I thought of how amazingly advanced that was and figured I would never see that in my lifetime.  Now you can have a face to face conversation on your phone so where are the flying cars and robot servants?  Why do some of these items become reality while others remain in cartoonland?

I know now that it has changed me and I will never be able to go back.  In a time when we all need to connect to some part of life before lockdown, all sorts of new technology has erupted to provide the connections we desire so much.  I have found that as these advancements have been thrust out to the consumer, I have retreated even more and more in order to reconnect with myself before emails, facetime and texting.  I miss the act of writing a letter and sending it in the mail, only to receive a reply a few weeks later.  The joy of seeing a handwritten card in the mail is something many don't experience anymore.  People don't send thank you cards so you are left to wonder if they received your package.  We don't write letters anymore because we can just text, email, skype, zoom or chat with them.  It was designed to bring people together but at what cost?  We have resorted to creating shortcuts to general conversation like laughing out loud and talk to you later.  It is exhausting and leaves me with a hunger for the way we communicated before all this stuff.  I did see that they are bringing back the Flip Phone so maybe there is still hope for us!  We shall see......  

Serious Quester Questions!

When I started this blog, I thought I would have hours of time on my hands where I would have nothing to do.  I tried to fill my time with classes and projects but realized I was doing too much.  I became exhausted and realized that I was going to have to slow down and face my fears head on.  I likened it to that feeling when you walk in a room with purpose and then suddenly you forgot why you were there.  I look back now, after almost 8 years with no children under my roof, and I can't even remember what I thought it would feel like.  What was I thinking?  I am busier now than I have ever been and the only person I am responsible for is myself.  I can understand what the "experts" said about feeling lost, feeling like you don't have a purpose or feeling like you have nothing to do.  My issue is quite the opposite though in that I have a long list of things I want to do but I can't decide where to start.  I am overwhelmed with opportunity and the desire to start fresh.  I am drowning in things that just collect dust but I am finding it difficult to do anything about it.  This is what I was not prepared for.  This is my new struggle and I can now say that "Empty Nesting" is no joke.  It is different for everyone but I can share what I have learned so far.

To start, all those things you saved for your children, the trinkets and mementos of their school years, the jewelry box with their names or stuffed animal they wouldn't go to sleep without.....these are just things.  I tried so hard to keep things I thought they would want but when my girls were presented with their boxes, there was only one or two things that made them chuckle.  I have learned that the things a parent feels are important to keep are not the things your children would have chosen.  Get rid of them!  Sit down with your kids and force them to go through the boxes and have them be the decision makers on items you have more attachment to than they do.  Your memories of these items are for  you and have nothing to do with how they see them.  Pick one or two things and then have them make the decision on the rest.

However many boxes you have, take them out once in awhile and go through them.  Pick out the things you still are unsure about and want to still keep, put them in a new box and then talk to your kids about the rest.  These days it is easy to send a picture of a note from a teacher or crush, an item they loved etc.  They can then tell you to get rid of it.  Surprisingly, they will not have the same reaction you do to said item.  This process condenses maybe three boxes down to one.  Purging is good for everyone but there is another benefit of this process.  As your kids get older, they realize that some things they were afraid to tell you when they were younger, just don't hold that much importance anymore.  You can use this process to share funny stories of how they were as kids.   They may have snuck out and you never knew it.  They might have been bullied or been in love but you didn't notice.  It is important for you and them to be quiet and let them share these stories without judgement and frustration.  You may get a great laugh out of them and I find, as I am sharing little details with my youngest, that their version of what happened is totally different.  I notice that my girls were way smarter than I gave them credit for.  The things they remember are funny, heartbreaking and completely different than my version of events.  This, of course, doesn't mean that either one of you is wrong, it just shows the diversity of how things are viewed and each person's story is unique to themselves.  

I saved school notes, homework, graded tests and projects they brought home.  My mom did the same thing and I didn't realize that they wouldn't want those things.  The things they thought were funny were the hilarious notes where they were mad at us or each other and they made statements like "I am never talking to you again" or "if I find my shirt on your floor one more time I am going to kill you!".  These are things that bring me joy when I can share them and have a good laugh over them.  I realize that there is value in saving some of these things and it is a process that one must go through.  It doesn't mean you have to keep everything because, let's be honest here, not many people live in the same house they raised their kids in still.  Garages see like a thing of the past and children move often, throwing their things out that don't fit in their car as they can just get new ones to replace them.  Times have changed but that doesn't mean you have to stop saving little things.  Pick and choose what is important to you and let the rest go.  It is liberating!  It is necessary!  It is a process of Empty Nesting.  

The Validation Stage

Having been raised by narcissist parents, I admit I have some tendencies but who among us doesn't have a little selfishness in them.  My sister and I were the obligatory children.  The validation of a solid relationship.  The confirmation that there was sex at least twice.  In reality, I was planned so that my older sister would not be as spoiled; a plan that hopelessly backfired, leaving me to fend for myself and rebel against the idealization that was thrust on me to be "the little sister" toy.  I find myself grasping for memories that I have somehow blocked out in order to explain why I am the way I am.  I can say it is a daunting task and often I give up out of frustration.  See, I am dealing with an aging parent that has a twisted sense of reality resulting in warped memories.  At the same time, she insists that she never forgets ANYTHING and she knows what she knows.  She will gaslight anyone that argues with her and I walk away from a conversation with the feeling of remorse and frustration that MY interpretation was not correct in any way but, instead, I was made to feel as if I was the bad guy and making stuff up.   

I admit that I don't have the best memory and sometimes will say things I don't really mean.  I am adamant about not being told I am a certain way, or being labeled in any any way, and I become defensive when one says they know me without working for it.  I forget easily but am always the first to admit I was wrong when I was.  I don't have many memories as I have blocked much of them out.  Why does one block things out from their memory?  Because they are generally BAD THINGS.  The brain chooses to protect you from those parts of your past and keeps you safe with all the good memories of your life.  The confirmation of one's life is typically collected in albums full of family photos.  Parents will hold them hostage sometimes, only to bring them out in order to embarrass their children.  The walls may be covered with an odd display of framed school pictures from age six to senior portraits.  There may be images of family vacations and funny expressions on faces as they are captured blowing out birthday candles or hugging a grandparent that visited.  Sadly, I grew up without any of those things.  Our walls had pictures of my parent's accomplishments and designs.  Albums were of production slides carefully labeled in chronological order and protected with acid free paper.  Our childhood was on slides that I do remember going through at least once a year.  We would get so excited when the Carousel boxes would appear and a white sheet would hang on the wall.  My sister and I would lay on the ground and quietly watch as the projector would hum.  I would sit sometimes close to the machine so that I could feel the warm air blowing from the side vents and loved the  dizzying sound the machine made as my father would select the next slide.  We were always camping and the slides were of times we traveled for my Dad's obsession.  He was a college professor but he fostered a love for historic theater buildings.  In his short life, he managed to create one of the largest collections of these buildings where his passion became a budding second career.  At the time of his death, he had created The Society of Historic American Theaters and his collection was put on permanent loan in Maryland.  He too had amassed a library of albums filled with slides of theater buildings, carefully labeled  in chronological order and protected with acid free paper.  

The slides of our childhood, the projector and all the carousels have disappeared.  They have been gone since I was a teenager and the mention of them upsets me to this day for so many reasons.

Validation.  I had a discussion with my aging mother-in-law the other night.  She has been going through things and clearing out papers.  She brings us letters she wrote when her son was a month old and wants to read to me the paragraph where she calls him the Young Master.  She shares funny anecdotes she cut out from articles and giggles about them.  It upsets her that my reaction is not the same as hers and I try to explain that people have different levels of humor.  I ask her why she wants so much to read me these things and her answer simply is that it validates her.  She goes on to say that she loved having dinner parties because it was the one time she would get credit for anything, and then she admits she too is narcissistic.  She admits to this as if it is such a normal thing to say.  It strikes me that there are so many different ways one can be selfish and self serving.  It may not be a bad thing, as she is genuinely sweet and giving.  It is such a different way to have lived and I learn that I need to adjust to allow for this process as one ages.

It makes sense to me that when one is nearing the end of their life, they will have all different types of emotions and maybe even some regrets.  Going through papers is part of this process as it reminds them of a life long gone.  There is a gap where their life slows down and their children's lives move so fast they can't keep up.  That is even more obvious when they have lived in a different part of the country and visits were limited to Sunday calls.  This desire, this need to have us know who they were before they were old reminds me of the instinct that birds have to migrate for the winter.  The way caterpillars become butterflies and salmon swim upstream.  It is a mixture of instinct, survival and adaptation that just naturally occurs in all living beings.  The struggle is real for the aging parent and at times, far more frustrating for the child.  They are not always accepting and we all know that they don't want to be told what to do.  We worry about them falling, driving or being taken advantage of.  We look at their homes for signs of slipping memories and safety infractions, all the while assessing how involved you will have to be and when to step in.  In essence it is a role reversal.  We have become the parents and they are now the child.  

Suddenly the light goes on and I realize that they worried about me falling.  The first time I drove by myself I had to call when I arrived at my destination.  They raised me to think on my feet and trust my gut.  Most everything I know, in one way or another, I learned from my parents and my remaining parent now needs me to help her.  I navigate this role with hesitance and clearly understand the complicated path I am on.  I am thankful for the small moments where we get along and don't argue.  I have even learned to deal with the times she is stubborn and sassy because she earned the right to be.  There is always that fear in the back of my head that she will get sick and we will do that dance with medical staff that I have become so familiar with.  For now, we will continue to do our best, as that is all we can do, while working on being more patient and letting her take the wheel for a change.  After all, they worked hard to get to this stage in their lives and it should be validated!

I know it's not my birthday.....

I know, I know....it isn't my birthday yet but this morning is just a perfect example of why this is going to be such an interesting year.  Brief synopsis of my situation to start out and NO it is not a sob story!

I am going to be 43 on June 25th.  I had been married for 17 years to a great guy that made a great dad.  (Happy Father's day by the way....I should text him but that is a whole other issue to write about...)  We split in 2007 and dealt with trying to raise two daughters through their high school years.  It was not the best time in my life but I somehow muddled through it.  Now, after some major bumpy roads, I think we have all finally leveled out and working on moving on with our lives.  What I didn't count on was to be so confused about who I was.  After the craziness of divorce, having to split up possessions and sort through 17 years of memories so that we each were left with some, you would think I would have some idea of why I chose this path.  I didn't and can say I still don't.

 I now have a new love in my life and he is wonderful but he can't understand why I have that nagging feeling like I am supposed to be doing something.  Does that feeling ever go away?  I sure hope so.....I remember the nights I would be so tired but I would not be able to fall asleep until both my girls were safe at home.  Well my youngest daughter, Heidi, has moved out recently and my older daughter, Monica, has been out of the house for two years.  When Monica moved out I had Heidi at home still but she was a free spirit and very social.  She always called me to tell me where she was going and when she would get home until she turned 18.  I admit that I still keep my phone by the bed but I am able to push all the bad thoughts from my head and sleep soundly now.

That being said I woke up this morning and think I must have really slept hard.  As I stumbled to the coffee pot I noticed Heidi's old door ajar.  As I peek in to the room, there is Heidi fast asleep on the futon with the fan blowing straight on her. I didn't hear her come in at all! She has a bed in her own room....in her own apartment!  Why is she here?  I don't wake her because anyone that knows my Heidi, knows that you should not wake the sleeping monster!  She is definitely not a morning person so I will be patient and wait to hear the next amazing adventure in the life of Heidi.  My guess is that she was working and didn't want to go home to some party.  I think when our kids move out, though they are telling you how confident they are and how excited they seem, once the magic wears off they miss the comforts of home.  I mean who wouldn't ever want to leave if mom takes care of you.  I think of the men that still live with their Moms at 50 and feel saddened for them.  While I know it is not my place to judge I do feel very strongly about the way we raise future adults.  Maybe that is what is wrong with this world and the instant gratification society... we are all just our parent's children and it can get blamed on them, like everything else we do wrong.....blame our parents!

 She did tell me the other day that she is realizing that a whole new roll of toilet paper just doesn't magically appear unless you go out and buy it.  At least it is a step in the right direction..... we shall see what drama entails once the sleepy monster has risen..... stay tuned!!!

Grief and a Stone Cold Heart

Grief is an amazing process and one that is not to be taken lightly.  We have all experienced it, in one form or another, and each person has their own coping skills, but it is an individual experience that cannot be compared.  Often times people have comments on grief where they try to find the silver lining in order to console the one grieving.  That may be useful to some but it most often is met with disdain and the feeling of being unsupported.  Nobody knows how they are going to react and lets be honest, who really wants to know this?!

My experience with grief has taken me on, what I can only describe as, a roller coaster ride.  I lost someone so very dear to me last year that I didn't think I could go on.  I wanted to die myself.  How would I continue to be able to wake up when he was asleep forever?  How did it happen that he is no longer here and what do I do now?  I found that I loved him more deeply that even I knew and the loss of him was enough to literally make my heart hurt.  Deep, resounding and profound pain in the core of my body that resulted in just not caring about anything.  I didn't care if I ate or slept.  I couldn't sleep.  I was numb and when I was like that, it really didn't matter what anyone said to me.  After a few months, with a very understanding and patient partner, I began to enter into the living world again.  I could sit in the sun on the patio and not cry for a good twenty minutes.  I was able to listen to music with joy and remember him fondly, with a smile on my face and light in my heart.

What surprised me about grief is that it is not meant to be understood or explained.  It is meant to be respected and when you are allowed to do so, at your own pace and without judgement, you can see the dim light at the end of the excruciatingly long tunnel.  To be surrounded by love, light and gently guided, reminded, of the living world at a pace that works for you, allows you to move in to the next stage of acceptance without regret.  Without feeling that you somehow disappointed the family, the loved ones, by not grieving enough.

The other thing I found to happen was I was able to see very clearly what my role was in the lives of others around me.  My friends that I thought would understand, didn't.  The friends I had not seen in a long time, were supportive by just touching base as they knew what he meant to me.  It tears people apart and it brings people back together.  My grief was mine and only mine.  I wrapped it around me like a security blanket and used it when I needed to cry.  The purpose of grief is to process the things that you hold dear in your heart and mind so that you can retain what you need and take the time to get used to the idea that what you are grieving, is no longer there.  It can manifest in all sorts of ways and each type is unique.  Whether it be the loss of a child, a parent, a relationship, a pet or just that really great sweater you meticulously kept since you were a child.  The point is that grief is an individual experience and there is no guide book.  There is no right or wrong.  There is no time limit and there is no cap to how you will feel.  What you need to remember is that it will get better.  It has to. 

The thing that got me through the last 3 years is the amazing support of my husband, the man that allowed me to grieve another man.  I was allowed to feel, at any time, what that song brought on, the pages in my diary that my mom brought over in a box and details the moment I met him, the silly stories and the unplanned breakdowns.  I was given grief as a gift of love and I was able to move through it and come out on the other end with newfound admiration of the people that shared it with me. 

Don't be sad it is over, be glad it happened!  Give it patience and it will treat you with love!

It has been quite some time since I have posted.....I have spent months thinking I needed to post something but instead I have been busy observing life from the perspective of a parent of adult children.  The hardest thing to do is to let your kids go out on their own.  I have had direct experience with many mistakes that parents and children make during this process.  My challenge has been to try to stay objective and learn as I go, as there is not often a guidebook for this stage in the life of a parent.  I have found that many things happen without our knowledge and, while it can be the most heartbreaking adventure, there are many things that can be done to avoid that feeling of abandonment and overall feeling of losing control.  

First of all let me remind everyone that there is no stopping the clock.  I always told my girls that my "job", as their parent, was to be responsible for forming functional adults in society.  I took that job very seriously and often used that excuse as the answer for their argument of why I was so mean.  I am not a mean person, instead I believe I am a reasonable parent that takes the time to hear my girls' argument while still maintaining my balance of right and wrong.  My right and their wrong.  After all I am the adult and have lived longer than they have.  I have some experience to back up the decisions I am making on their behalf.  I know what to expect and hope to help them avoid the same bad choices I may have made.  That being said, the fact still remains that, when they turn 18, they believe they know more than us.  This happens to every teenager at one point or another.  

What happens to our youth between the ages of 10 and 18?  When does that change, where they transition from idolizing their parents to avoiding them at all costs take place?  What can we do to avoid that and is there a way to turn back the clock so they will listen to you post 18?  I think about the kids who grow up and get the grades, apply for scholarships and go to college because their parent tell them that that is what they are going to do.  Are these the children that have mid life crisis when they turn 40 and wonder where their lives went?  Is there a way to achieve the balance of doing the expected and still finding their own path?  I see some kids who have had a great scholastic career and managed to respect their parents, work towards a college degree and still form their own paths.  So what is the difference?  

I like to believe it is in the parenting and that allowing your children to make some mistakes is a good way of teaching them how to deal with the ups and downs of real life.  How else are they to learn unless parents give them the freedom to make mistakes and forge their own paths.  

It is now years later since I started this post and life is so different than I expected.  My oldest daughter is married, a prominent artist in Baltimore and making a living doing tattoos after graduating with a Digital Art degree from MICA.  My youngest is living in Oregon, just finishing up her degree in Massage Therapy and tends to her garden in her new house.  They are good.  They are settled.  They are happy.  I have done my job.  I can say I have no regrets but I am not sure that is a statement that any parent can say with conviction.  Yes, I have regrets.  I wish that I had spent more time with them.  I wish I had saved more money.  I wish that I had the luxury of a teenage wardrobe closet at my disposal again but that is not reality.  I am 50 now, married again and looking at my options for the next 20 years.  What next?  I have kids on opposite sides of the country and so little time to visit.  I want. I want. I want.  

My age gives me a ticket to be selfish and feel that I accomplished something with my life.  Most people can say they partied in their twenties, college dorm stories and beer pong parties but I raised kids.  The opportunities are endless and I can be anything I want to be now....after all, I put two people on this planet and they are still alive.  I can do anything now.  

You ever have that kind of morning......

All I can say is I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Everything in my life is good....well as good as can be expected for now. With the economy being a bummer, having a job that makes you happy is not so much of a priority anymore...having a job IS! I am happy to have one and it is a good job. I am able to come and go as I please, take time off without the guilt trip and I work really well on my own but it is just not cutting it for me. I have been going to school for three years now, aimlessly taking classes in the hope that I will stumble on something I really like, but it just seems to be an endless array of classes that add up to nothin. Well almost nothin.... I do have 30 credits out of 60 needed for any associates degree. I think the issue I have is this day and age it is too hard to just have one thing. I have this desire to pack in as much information as I can get in the hopes that, should I ever need it, I will be able to recall what I have learned and use it.

I don't know where I got this odd point of view but I am sure it came from my parents. They both had a very defined specialty that ended up also defining their lives. I don't know if that is the route I want to go. I am kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of girl and feel that being restricted to one skill is like a death sentance. The question is how do you maintain a normal life while trying to hone ten skills at once? The answer.....INSANITY!

That is it. I am insane! I can't settle to one thing, I am always wanting to do something new, I do get bored easily but you would never know it and I try too hard. The result of this is that I am difficult to deal with and feel sometimes that it isolates me from the rest of the world. How do you change that? How do people, ones that recognize there is a flaw in their personality that greatly affects their lives, make a life changing adjustment to reality? That is the big question.

A very good friend once said to me "you have to take action and then commit to those actions. Bad habits are easy to break but hard to live with while good habits are hard to make and easy to live with." He is a genius....and he also has had a very specific skill since he was young and has slowly, through hard work and fortitude, built his way to the top in a job he loves and a life he thrives in. Go figure!

Side note:  Visiting this after a long hiatus and reviewing posts that I did not actually publish....this being one of them.  The friend mentioned above has since passed in a tragic way.  Too young, very missed and yet I am comforted by his words coming to me in this post.  He was wise and so very loved.  His name was Scott and he was amazing.  He lived every day as if there was no tomorrow.  He had passion for his family, music, the little eccentricities of life and taught me more than I knew at the time.  He was one of a kind.  What I take from this is that you never know when your last day is.  Hug the ones you love.  Never go to bed angry and always make sure that you greet each day as if the sun shines just for you.  I now know that I have a beam of sunshine following me through life....fashioned from love and beaming just for me.